Unsent Letters.

the missing link. (midnight thoughts)

All my life I've always felt different from everyone else. 

And I know to most people, being different is wanting to play chess while everyone is outside playing soccer, or maybe preferring white chocolate over milk chocolate. 

But I felt alienated my entire life.

I feel, in a way, disconnected from the world. And without any proof, I know that there is more to the universe that what meets the eye.I feel like no one really knows how I feel sometimes. I feel that everyone else has a "place" in society and I'm merely on the outside looking in. Like I'm just going through the motions. Everyone has something they enjoy, a passion, or something that defines them. But not me. I'm really not interested in anything. It's hard for me to function when I feel like there isn't much for me to do here but watch. I've wondered for several years if I could be an alien, but I have a rather good memory, and can remember back to my childhood. No strange abductions, I'm not adopted, I'm typical and normal.

I tried to fit into society. I conformed to the social norms. From then on, I wore a mask. I learned to behave like a neurotypical person and became so good at it that I managed to fool myself.

Medically I was diagnosed as depressed. I've tried to talk to my parents about this, but they keep telling me that I'm going through a phase in life as any normal teenager would. But I keep telling my parents that it's not a phase, and it is in fact me. The real me. But they turn me off like a switch and I end up talking to my therapist about this. I like talking to therapists because they make me feel normal, that there are many other teenagers going through the same thing in life but at the same time, they keep telling me that this is just a 'phase'.

I  develop a mental disorder, and by trying to mold myself after the current social construct of this world is basically like a walrus trying to be a cockatiel because he instinctively knows he must blend to survive. Eventually, the walrus will become the most dejected, miserable, angry, and confused creature on the planet. This is what it's like when a human being with a differently-working brain tries to force themselves to do what they simply were not designed for.

It is incredibly damaging.

But, obviously there was a time before modern humans and there should be a time after. There is a missing link between the Neanderthals and the Homo sapiens, and scientists have come close to figuring out species to close the gap between the two but never really got a specific hominid to conclude the mission.

But what if the reason we don't fit in is because we aren't meant to? Because we are the 'missing link'between Homo sapiens and a new species of human called Homo evolutis? Because surely, there should be people just like me, scattered across the globe feeling the same thing.

OR, all of the above could just be existing in my head, and everything is in fact, not valid enough to be a theory.

But I guess I'll stick to my theory, because it feels right to me.