Letter To My Past Self

Dissociation tidbits

Dissociation is weird because sometimes you can feel it starting and you freak out and you're like "this can't be happening this can't be happening" but other times you feel it starting and it's just like "oh man I was just about to watch a movie can this wait like two hours please?

That flaky detaching feeling of dissociation when you can feel something trying to physically pull away from your body and nothing makes any sense and you can't focus on anything and your body feels so heavy.

I'm living in a daydream, the borders of reality are blurry, this haziness has no boundaries.

That terrifying dissociative feel when you zone out staring at nothing and then suddenly out of the corner of your eye, it looks like the ceiling is spinning and the walls are melting.

My least favorite part of dissociation is when instead of gently easing out of it and coming back to reality slowly, you're thrown out of it. Everything, all at once, becomes real and loud and scary. It's terrifying.

I do not wish for death. I wish for life.

I wanted to write down exactly what I felt but somehow the paper stayed empty. And I could not have described it any better.

The world around me keeps spinning on, it is fast paced. Smells become indistinguishable. The air stands still, it tastes stale. Different colors blur, to grays.

Sometimes I just sit and think, feeling myself fade away into the wild waves of the universe. My heartbeat is nothing in comparison to the cacophony that is life.

PTSD: It can happen to anybody. We can't just let it go. We find it hard to trust people. We didn't ask for PTSD and we're trying our best. It affects the entire family. It causes a physiological change in our brains, it decays faster than healthy people. We sometimes need to isolate. Everyday is a struggle. Any traumatic event can cause PTSD. It's not our fault. It's exhausting. We often feel small, insignificant, or invisible. It's overwhelming and lonely. It doesn't define us. It isn't in my past, it's in my everyday.

Yeah the sun still shines, but I don't feel it.

Your existence is beyond valid, and you are going to get through this. You exist. You are breathing through your own lungs. That heartbeat is yours. Remember this.