Letter To My Past Self

Ranting of an Insane Mind

I started over completely new so why is my head fucking me up right now? Will I ever understand? Why am I feeling pain all over again? Fuck this. Why am I fucking up my new life? I am far away from it. Why is it starting anew? I want to be better. It seems like every time I get happy it drops into this suicidal mania. I cannot find a better word for it. Mania. What does it even mean? Mania: mental illness marked by periods of great excitement, euphoria, delusions, and overactivity. Maybe I do have it. It would explain this fucking mess.

My hands are shaking. My heartbeat is fast and pounding out of my chest. I've been losing weight. Everything I eat, I can't keep down. I just cannot stop puking. I don't think I'm sick. It's just this symptom of this mania I have. I can't stop smoking either. It just makes me feel more shitty but better at the same time. My head hurts but I know it doesn't. It's just my brain hurting. My thoughts are racing so fast.

My body feels like its on fire and my soul is burning. Red hot. White hot pain coursing through my body. Maybe if I burn myself it'll go away... No. It doesn't even hurt. Now my skin is burning hot like the fire burning inside. Why doesn't anything touch me? Why can't I feel anything?

It's been two years and I am not over it. I'm sick of all these people talking in my head. Why won't the voices stop? They keep chanting the same things over and over again. But now it's just my voice ripping through my head, "NO" and "STOP" from the night of the rape. Now my favorite pen won't even work. My body won't even work.

 Now I hear my daddy talking in my head, "You need to be more grateful." It's hard to be. So hard.

I can't stop scratching myself. It feels like a million bugs crawling all over me. I want it all to stop. My skin feels green, not like I'm feeling sick or any of that shit, but my skin is literally neon green. Everything but the book is blue and dizzying. It's all melting around me. I literally feel my lungs constricting. 

Sarah would this shit off me being overdramatic but it is seriously happening.

I feel the presence of my eight year old self behind me, covered in blood, screaming her head off. I am afraid to look behind me. I am terrified right now.

I want to drink vodka but I'm afraid I'll hurt myself thus hurting everybody else. Maybe I should go to the hospital, but I don't want mommy or daddy to be mad.

What is sleep? I haven't slept in days. I keep having nightmares even though I'm taking my nightmare meds.

I'm failing everything right now: my academics, my health, my sorority, everything. I have class tomorrow but I might skip if I'm feeling like this. Fuck this. I want to cry, but I cannot for some godforsaken reason. I want to end my life so badly. Why are people so cruel?

I want to be high right now for some temporary happiness. Why am I being so reckless? Reckless driving, drinking, sex, smoking, self destruction. It won't stop. It doesn't even grant me the temporary happiness. It just makes me feel more shitty. 

I am looking at these photographs of these strangers, but the longer I look at it, the more I realize that they are of my family and myself. 

I don't even know myself. Who am I? What is this foreign body I'm inhabiting? Who am I?