Letter To My Past Self

Ein Bekanntes Gesicht

A Familiar Face

A small wave across the high school courtyard
Strangers become friends
Through his eyes
Love at first sight
Through her eyes
Cautious and wary

Time evolves as do they
Strangers to friends to strangers
To friends then back to strangers
Then one day,
He meets her at her college dorm
They finally both fall in love

They both had underlying trauma to resolve
His from military combat and being wounded
Hers from a sexual assault
There was much trust to be earned
There was many things to be learned
About each other from the years lost

Months later he proposes to her
And everything is perfect
A picturesque couple
Madly in love
They both had issues to work out
But it all worked out in the end

Or so she thought
Years later the honeymoon phase ended
She was raped again by an unknown at a party
Her sadness and anger
Turned into alcohol binges and chain smoking
She couldn't cope with life

Her sadness and anxiety got too much
She struggled to quit with both
But life was too much
Her and her family were on bad terms
He was her only sanctuary
Her only safe place

Her sadness caused his anger
He was mad she couldn't pull herself together
He tried to control her but it freaked her out even more
She tried to compromise with him
But he was unmoving
She felt like she was trapped

Then it became worse
Words became shoves
Shoves became fists and kicks
She would walk away to calm down
Only to be greeted with a flying object
Only to be blamed for his violence

She couldn't remember a time
When she didn't have any bruises or cuts
Or scars adorning her arms and legs
She couldn't remember the last time
She loved her body
Her personality and her movements

She couldn't remember
What it was like to be herself
Is this what love is supposed to feel like?
Being robbed of your every sense?
To lose who you are?
To mold into another person?

She would be overcome with sadness
Wondering why, oh why
Would her familiar face
Become a villain in her nightmares?
Why, oh why
Would her safe haven turn into a cage?

She used to be loud spoken
Wouldn't take shit from anybody
But now she flinches when there's a loud noise
Or someone yelling
Her breathing becomes frantic
As her heart pounds relentlessly in her chest

All she wants
Is for things to go back to normal
For those menacing arms
To change back to those safe arms
For his anger and malice and spite
To turn back into goofiness and kindness

She wants her life back
She wants her love back
But not like this
Not when she feels like this
Trapped, hurt, heartbroken
This sharp aching pain

She has two options:

She can try and fix him
Hold out and bunker down
Through the anger
Or she can move on
Hold her head high
As she leaves her past

Maybe there is no healing
What needs to heal itself
Maybe there is too much damage done
And there is no going back
Too much trust broken
Too many lines crossed

It is time to say goodbye
To all of those years of friendship
To all of those years of being lovers
To all memories
Good and bad
To all of the dreams we've shared

I will always have a special
Place in my heart for you
My first love, lover, best friend
My everything
I will always love you
Always