The word i couldn't find

4/24/16

2:30 am.

Was it easy? To throw away all that we were. To pretend that after all the shit we been through, just never happened. I mean you have said it so many times "we were never even real." That you are starting to believe it yourself. But I disagree. You were my everything and you swore that I was yours. My anxiety attacks in the middle of the night that I meant nothing to you, well that came true. And it fucking eats me alive. Remember when all the stupid love songs would play on the radio and you'd look at me with passion in your eyes and tell me that, that in that moment we were inferior. That nothing could stop us. Now that I lie here awake every night since you left, all the sad break up songs are an actual description of what I am feeling. You are just that kind of person that I can't replace. You made me feel beautiful. You made me feel complete, but that's okay because I know that I was actually a worthless piece of shit in your eyes. I didn't know I was so disposable. It's been almost a month and I stills remember your favorites. "We accept the love we think we deserve." That's the favorite line of your favorite book. I remember because you bough that book for me after I tried to kill myself. That one line was highlighted. I still read that book. "There's a bullet and there's a gun. But there's also a thought. Two can kill you instantly, but one can eat you alive." That's your favorite quote. I remember because your dad told that to you right before he passed away. "I'm not that fucking replaceable." That's the favorite line of your favorite song and I remember that because I was there in that car as it blared from the speakers at 2am. So no I refuse to believe that you gave up. It'll kill me. I hope that you do realize that I have only put you before myself. all your needs and wants have been in my interest. I used to spend nights awake doing the homework that I couldn't do because we were hanging out. I never once told you that all your failures actually hurt me more than yourself. when your girlfriend broke your heart and you called me, I was there. when your dad walked out. I was there. when you became addicted to the drugs. I was there. I tried to stop you. I tried so fucking hard to keep you safe, but that wasn't my job. it was yours. It wasn't until know did I realize that I was always there for you, but you never once answered when I was crying at night and just needed to hold you. you just left me to be alone. I yearn for your touch and affection. but sometimes its better to leave those who are toxic out of your life and focus on those who are only a phone call away.