Sink or Swim✓ (Teen Romance)

Chapter Twenty-One

A/N: This chapter is dedicated to Shanna71 for all of her awesome comments.  Thanks so much for encouraging me to write! :)

Enjoy the chapter! :)

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            I lie awake for hours.  I don't remember much from today.  I don't remember peeling myself from the hallway floor.  I don't remember walking back into the pool room.  I don't remember getting up for that final race.  I don't even remember the long bus ride home.  Those moments are all a blur, faded from my memory and replaced by something much darker.

            Before getting into bed, I brushed my teeth six times and took a hot shower.  Still, I swear I can taste his tongue and feel his body pressed against mine.  My tears have officially run out, but I keep crying.  It almost feels as though I'm choking on my own breath, wheezing and gasping for air that doesn't seem to come.  I want to forget about it all, but I can't.  I can only remember and torment myself with the details that won't seem to block out.

            I spend most of the night reliving those moments.  Eventually though, I only wonder.  Why?  Why would he do something like that, especially to me?  He thinks I'm ugly, so why would he violate me of all the girls there?  I'm not saying I wish it would've been someone else.  At the same time, I really, really wish it hadn't been me.

I try to tell myself that it wasn't that big of a deal and that I'm exaggerating.  But I can't help myself.  I am scared, not just of him but of other guys.  Who knew they could be so strong?  I always imagined that I'd be able to fight back, at least to some extent.  I couldn't.  I was completely and pathetically weak and fragile.  He could've done anything he wanted, and I wouldn't have been able to do a thing.

The sharp beeping of my alarm clock echoes through the room.  I lazily roll my head sideways, relieved that it is finally time to get up.  I never fell asleep, not once.  And for the first time since last night, I feel exhausted.  I don't want to go to school today.  I could pretend to be ill, and nobody would know the truth.  But I am afraid that if I stay here, the thoughts will continue to penetrate my mind.  I know that school will help me forget, boring as it may be.

            "Get up, Finn!"  Cassi's shriek comes from the other side of the door.  "Jenna can't pick me up, so you need to take me!"

            She pounds against the door before yelling at me again.  One glance in the mirror and I know I could easily pass for sick.  After being up all night, I have heavy bags under my eyes and my skin is sickly pale.  I touch a hand to my hair, trying to smooth over the thick tangles.  Feigning illness would be almost easy. 

            "I'll be out in a second!" I call back. 

            Yes, pretending to be sick would be easy, but I'm too much of a coward to do it.  Not only am I afraid of my own thoughts; but I am also terrified that if I stay in bed, I'll never get up.  I feel as though my seclusion will only make Dante's attack feel that much scarier.  I won't let this fear overtake me.  I will go to school, and I will pretend that everything is fine.  Because maybe if I keep pretending, everything will be fine.

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            For some reason, Cassi looks almost excited to be going to school.  There is a slight smile stained across her mouth, as though it'd be too difficult to contain it.  She doesn't speak to me, but she also doesn't scowl as usual.  It's as though she's completely forgotten about my relationship with Elliot.  If I even still have a relationship with him.