Come Off Anon (joshler)

. Chapter Nine .

I'm back!! Not that I ever took a hiatus or anything, my updates have just been shit whoops. I missed writing from the pov of tylers journal so the next couple chapters of so are gonna be just that, but they're long so don't worry.

-

  Today was ok. I say just ok because the sun wasn't out. I went back to school and I'm not as sad, so I guess that's good. The sky was silver, and a thin layer of grey clouds covered the light trying to get out. The sun I like to think, is like Josh and I's relationship right now. We've been doing nothing but small talk for about 10 minutes each day before he says he has to go. There's so much I want to tell him. I just wanna tell him how happy he makes me and how much I miss that week where we would talk until the early morning. I want to tell him how I would smile at my phone nonstop before looking up at the time on my alarm clock and groggily swing my legs out of bed and smile to myself, because I didn't feel tired in a bad way. I felt contented because of how happy and energized talking to him made me feel. But we somehow resorted recently to talking about what his homework was and the weather where he lived. I know what you're thinking, journal, I shouldn't be so dependent on someone over the Internet for happiness, but what I argue is that, what more is there really to be happy about when your me? My grades are suffering, my parents are concerned and I suppose angry with me, and the sun is away. I miss when I was so excited about him replying to me. I miss so many things about what we used to be just a month ago. I'm rambling at this point and I'm not even crying a bit, that's a first. But maybe that's bad. Maybe it was good when I'd start crying during my journal writing, because this is when I was used to letting out my emotions. But today no tears dropped down onto the page. Am I drained? Is that why I'm showing no emotion lately? Maybe I don't feel happy. Maybe there's so much I need to resolve that my brain has been numbed and I can't focus on one thing enough to feel raw emotion for it. Josh used to be my world. I used to aim for one day telling him that I wanted to become his best friend and even more someday. But now the only thing that made me happy isn't focused on me anymore. That's just it, he's bored of me.

Journal, I've decided that today wasn't just ok.

It was pretty bad.