Dark Corners / ✓

twenty-five: of dissociation

"I couldn't stop running it over and over and over in my mind. The vague and distant suspicion that we never understood what happened that night; what our role was." - Patrick Kenzie, Gone Baby Gone 

I moved back in with my parents.

It had been a week since Grant had gotten dragged out of Griffin's apartment, and I finally decided that I couldn't stay in mine. I had woken up before the sun even rose, heart pounding in my chest at a reoccurring nightmare I'd been having - Grant breaking into my apartment, eyes wide, limbs flailing, only he wasn't the Grant I knew. He was the Grant that the police had to forcefully drag out. 

And so I rushed downstairs, practically barged into my apartment complex manager's office, and begged to be let out of my lease. I had another four months into my lease ended, but before I could promise to even pay those months off, my landlord nodded and told me to sit down. We filled out the necessary paperwork - I'd only have to pay my rent for that month and I'd get thirty days to move out. I'd also get thirty days in case I changed my mind and decided to stay.

"Hey, Emmy," he called when I stepped out the door, making me turn back to him, the same grateful smile on my face, "Do you know how Griffin is? I haven't seen him since the, uh... The incident."

The smile slipped from my face and I swallowed tightly, chewing on my bottom lip, "I don't know," I admitted, because I truly didn't. I didn't have the words to explain how Griffin must have been feeling, "I'll let him know you asked, though."

He just nodded and waved me off.

Griffin hadn't been too happy with my decision - even though he didn't say the words, it was obvious how he felt. His face fell when I told him I'd be moving back home, and he just nodded, asking when I'd be leaving. I told him I was going to call my parents - who I had spoken to a few nights ago about the idea - and start packing.

And, to my surprise, Griffin told me he would help me pack.

We spend that entire day packing up everything I owned. We stuffed things into garbage bags, cardboard boxes, and even into an old schoolbag Griffin had thrown in the back of his closet. We talked, and laughed, and avoided the reason why I was packing everything up. We talked about everything but the elephant in the room, and I was okay with that. Maybe sometimes it was better to pretend - to pretend that I wasn't leaving because Grant terrified me too much to live in this apartment complex.

And the next day, when I had somehow managed to pack most of the boxes in my car, Griffin followed me outside. He stood next to me at my car, hands shoved deep into the pockets of his basketball shorts, an uncomfortable expression on his face. We hadn't heard anything from the police, aside from the fact that they had his dad in custody. We didn't know anything else, though.

"It's gonna be weird not having you living next-door," Griffin said, a small, tight smile taking place on his face, "I'm gonna miss you, Emmy."

I smiled back at him, "I'm moving twenty minutes away, not twenty states," I said, but God I would miss Griffin too. I hated leaving Griffin, I hated not being able to be there for him, but I had to do what would be best for myself, "I'll miss you, too."

Griffin moved forward, wrapping his arms around me before I could even process what was happening. I leaned into his chest and wrapped my arms around his waist, burying my face against his chest. I didn't know what Griffin and I were - I didn't even know how I really felt about him - but I knew that I was going to miss him. I knew that however I felt about him was strong.