Wasted [C.H]

Disconnected

     The night's had begun to blend, like a disk stuck on repeat the same thing seemed to happen every single night. I hadn't moved from the bed all day, I simply stayed underneath the blanket where the pain couldn't get to me. I could have slept but it had been days since I had a good night's sleep, whether it was because of the nightmares that haunted me with no ending or him stumbling in angry and drunk every single night. This night was no different as the door to our small apartment shook with his loud bangs on the outside. I was so exhausted and I didn't want to let him in but I knew he was relentless and would end up getting us kicked out if I didn't. I sighed and unraveled myself from the confines of my safe haven. The floor was cold starkly contrasting to the warmth of my bed and every single inch of my being was aching to go back to it. The pounding of the door was so different to the music I had once heard at this time of night instead and I wish I could go back to that time.

    Finally, with a deep breath, I opened the door putting an end to the loud noise and prepared myself for his angriness. He drunkenly stumbled through his eyes locked in a hard glare on me. They were glazed over whether from tears or just purely the amount of alcohol he had consumed I would never know. I did know one thing however, I knew what he was thinking about. I don't like to look him in the eyes because the pain is so recognizable that it physically hurts me. The smell of the alcohol he used to drown out the world was so strong it was contaminating the air around me, it felt suffocating. I wish that I could say that the alcohol was the reason behind his actions after that but then I would be lying.

      Before I could recognize the signs and back away his hands reached my shoulders and I found myself pushed up against the wall. I was so afraid of him, I was afraid that the last thing I would ever get to see was his hateful expression aimed at me. I waited patiently for the impact because I knew there was no way to prevent it.

    "How could you Maya " I knew what he was talking about, he had asked me that many times since. The thing that frightened me was the anger that his voice held. So much anger he was feeling, anger that I didn't know one single person held the capacity to withstand. Even the volume of his voice was so loud, still depicting that anger and all I could think of was how much I wish it was his laughter that was at this volume instead. All that was coming from him was anger but then suddenly like a light switch, it was anger and sadness and confusion and the worst of all the pain, pain that would never get easier.

     My shoulders were aching from the force he was using to hold me up against the wall. I wanted to give up to tell him just to kill me but then I realized that death was the easy way out and I needed to be punished, I deserved all of this. I wanted to plead with him, to tell him just how sorry I was but the words wouldn't come out of my mouth. My air supply was being blocked and anything I tried to say was barely audible. It was weak. Weak, that's the only word that I could use to describe myself not only then but every single day since it happened. He made me feel weak, small and vulnerable like I was going to shrink into myself and never come out. All I could do was close my eyes and prepare for the worst.

     I thought that it was the end, that I was going to die right then and there but as quickly as it had happened it ended and he dropped me on the floor. Despite finally being able to breathe again I knew it wouldn't be over that easily. There was a storm brewing between us and there was only so long before it would turn into a hurricane. I tried to fix it, I had begun repeating I'm sorry like a mantra and his strong demeanor faltered for a second before returning back even colder than before if possible. Suddenly after moments of silence, he began laughing like everything that had happened was so damn funny and it stunned me.

     "Sorry doesn't bring him back does it" Even saying that he was still bitterly laughing and I just didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say, and I didn't know how to make it better. I don't know if there was a way to make it better.