S H A T T E R E D

Worthless

Worthless, worthless, worthless. Nothing. I am nothing. W-O-R-T-H-L-E-S-S, worthless. After all the cuts I have put onto my wrists I still feel no pain. I'm numb, and I want stay this way forever. My mothers words replay in my head over and over again. Cut after cut after cut, I feel nothing.

I am screaming in frustration, why? Why can I not feel this? I keep cutting and the cuts gets worse. Deeper, longer and bloodier. They now run all the way up my arm. I have run out of room on my wrists and don't think about anything but the fact that I hope this kills me. I don't want to be here. Not living is better than living and suffering.

I finally step back to realize all the cuts I have on my arms. It's nasty, I hate blood and I'm not sure how I did this to myself but I couldn't stop when I started. Seeing the blood makes gag. It drips off my arms onto the brown carpet in my room. If my mom finds this she will never let me hear the end of it. I need to get things to clean this all up but my mothers room is just down the hallway.

I slightly open my door and her light is off. I see flickerings of color bouncing off the walls and it takes me a moment to realize the tv is on. I walk out of my room, close the door behind me and I practically sprint to get to the bathroom.

I make noise but I refuse to let this blood make a bigger mess somewhere else. I get to the bathroom and grab a black rag, hoping it'll be the least noticeable. I also grab peroxide and the first aid kit. In the same manner I made it to the bathroom I return to my room. I close and lock the door behind me.

I'm not in the mood to listen to music but I put some on to kill the silence and not sound suspicious to my mom. I pour the peroxide on the blood that has sank into my carpet. I grab the black rag in both hands and begin scrubbing. The blood is actually coming out and I let out a sigh of relief.

The blood on my arms has now dried and I take the same rag and wipe down my arms. I take the first aid kit, open it and find a large box of bandaids. I take a good look at my arm and realize fixing myself up may take longer than I had thought.