Just Close Your Eyes (Phan)

Chapter 13

I woke up in a familiar room and realised immediately I was still sleeping. I had had this dream many times after I had left home, in the beginning there were barely any nights when this dream didn't appear. It was a mix-up of my childhood, starting when I was young, too young to realise how I was different from my parents. I would slowly grow up and learn about myself, until the point where I knew I would never be like my parents. My parents were perfect in the eyes of God, but I wasn't. And they made it pretty clear I would never be unless I changed a lot. But I had never been able to that.

But this time, the dream was slightly different. I was in my own room, but I wasn't in my own body. I was standing next to the window, unable to see my younger self. I did see a bump under the covers, which meant that I had crawled under again. I used to do that a lot when I was younger, always feeling safer when I was completely covered.

I raised my hand and looked at it in wonder. Usually when I was dreaming, I was forced to go along the circumstances without any influence of my own will. But now I was in complete control of my body, free to move around the room. I probably couldn't leave, because I was still bound to my younger self, forced to go along with him all the time.

I heard my mom outside my door.

'Phil! Are you awake yet?'

My eyes widened in surprise. Phil?

A small boy appeared from underneath the covers, his black hair sticking into every direction. 'Almost!'

It was clearly Phil, although my head had come up with a younger-looking version of him.

'Phil?' I asked, still shocked to see him in my dream. That boy was supposed to be me, I was supposed to wake up in the body of my younger self.

He didn't seem to hear me, so I repeated his name. I walked towards him, but he completely ignored me. When I waved my hand in front of his face and he still didn't react, I realized he couldn't see or hear me. I wasn't really there, I was only watching. I couldn't intervene.

My surroundings faded away and appeared again, although I recognized this was my room when I had been older. Judging by the posters of different kinds of movies, I must have been around 14. Since apparently Phil had taken my place in this dream, I guessed he must be around 14 in my head right now. He was up and behind my computer, playing games on the internet. I saw my little notebook lying on the desk next to him, the notebook I had carefully kept hidden from my parents. I wrote down everything about myself that I didn't want my parents to know about in that notebook. It mostly contained my thoughts about my sexuality, since I was slowly realizing I wasn't as straight as my parents would like me to be.

'Phil!' I heard my dad call from downstairs. 'Dinner's ready!'

Phil looked up in surprise and I saw his fear in his eyes. I didn't know if I would've seen if I didn't remember this moment, when I had been terrified one of my parents would come upstairs and see my notebook.

He quickly hid it in his closet, behind one of my many books. He ran his hand through his hair and took a deep breath in. I grimaced slightly. Time to pretend to be my parents' perfect little boy.

When Phil walked out of the door, my surroundings faded again.

I was terrified by now. I knew which scene would be the next, even though the mist hadn't disappeared yet. I wished it never would. I heard Phil's voice through the mist, my sight coming a bit later.

'There's something I need to tell you.'

'Don't,' I whispered, although I knew they couldn't hear me. 'Please don't. They won't accept you.'