To Live and To Let Go.

Second

Time: 12:03. Midday.

Just two whole minutes until I get checked up on. The doctors are kind, and comforting, but I want to be in my room, with my pillows, sleeping. A proper nights sleep. What had these past days become, apart from sleepless nights and endless pain? Well.... it was a long time yet to probably come, you see I have this pretty rare condition (which is a quick diagnosis)... Haemophilia. Not many people hear about it, but it is pretty serious, and basically if you do not know, then its where your blood doesn't clot normally, therefore, I bleed longer then I should, when I'm cut or hurt just a little. So it sucks. I'm always paranoid that if I get knocked and bruised it could maybe cause a lot more damage then it would a normal person. 

I get scared to do a lot of things and that's sometimes hard to believe. It's hard to believe cause the risks I take are sometimes breathtaking apparently. My career that I want to go into is something like Police forces or Armed forces. One of them. I'm no where near sure. I'm doing courses in College that applies to things like it. So; Public Services, Psychology, Criminal justice/law. I'm hoping that studying and completing these will give me enough time over the next year to decide. That is of course as long as my hospital life doesn't interrupt. 

12:06.

My nurse has arrived and is checking me over now. I don't know how this helps me. They just check that im not bleeding through my bandages and make sure I've eaten and drank enough. I've been in this hospital for about 4 days now and all because of one certain incident. 

Let's just say... don't go diving off of things that are incredibly high into a pool. Well that might have been a slight exaggeration, but you have to sometimes, do you not? You have to make it believable though and if you knew me well enough you would know. 

But hey, you don't know what's truth and what's a lie. That's not the best bit. Cause this is all just a little preview of my life, that I've technically written down for you to read. Or I might have told you at one point. i wish i knew where my life would end up, cause if i did i could make this so much more interesting. Like what if i was able to grow up to be some sort of famous person, that when i do die, they can find this and make a book about it? Without them changing it, so its all natural. 

My mother thinks im crazy, same with my brother. But they are both obviously older, so they don't get the jokes or dreams. Dreams are for those who wish to believe, but no one understands that.

So before i mentioned about the condition I have, and I'm pretty sure that if im honest with you, they have just put that as a 'diagnosis' even though I don't think that's what it is. Its a confusing story, but I'm pretty sure i should be proud of my injuries I have had. They have almost always lead me into hospital and they have maybe all been real deep cuts. Mostly because I like trying different things, and even the hospital knows that. They try and get me to stop but when I constantly remind myself that you only really do live once, then why stop? 

I have unfortunately seen this too many time. Death. The flat line of the monitor just keeping a steady beep, without breaks, until it is confirmed and then turned off. When doctors give that glance to their team that they tried everything that could have but it didn't work. I always wonder how they carry on doing their job, how they are so strong, they have to have the right mental compatibility to go round telling parents, friends or others that someone they loved died on a certain date. Come on, that must really suck and lower their moods. I know they may not have spoken to the victim of death or knew them well, but there still must be a connection some where.

It's like saying all jobs have some sort of emotional contact somehow. Maybe not the small supermarket ones, but like police officers, nurses and everything like that. Although, to be fair the supermarket one may actually have,cause you get the regular customers, the helpful ones,or the talkative ones, either way you do.