To Live and To Let Go.

Third

Im finally away. I'm finally away from the person i thought would love me most. Or should love me most. But no longer is that the truth, my brother? Haha funny story? No body seems to remembers that when I was about 13 he disrespected my mum and made her almost break down to the worst content, that you think firstly.... i would want to speak to him or like him, and secondly forgive him after what he said. 

People. Words stick. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Bull Shit! This is just some thing they tell you from a child to make you believe that if someone says something to you (that's mean or something) that its probably not true. But hey, what if that persons me where im blunt but sarcastic? I'm telling the truth but in a monotone voice where you think im being sarcastic as well as joking. Let me just say im probably telling the truth.

Brown eyes. Random? I know, but lets just say, any eye colour is fascinating, no ones is the same, not even twins -strange. But still. Blue, Green, Grey, Dark dark brown, Hazel, Golden, Yellow, Black. Whatever the colour. No matter what the colour the eyes make someone look so different to someone else. Maybe the only similarity of the eye is: One the structure and Two the way people are measured if they are blind... We are all individuals, Unique, complex. You don't have to like someone, you don't have to love someone, you don't have to feel happy and you don't have to feel any emotion. You know? 

Love is a word, any emotion we know is basically just a word. Feeling isn't real its a chemical your body produces to make you feel human and all we are is biological machinery....

We may be nothing but without us, without this biological machinery we wouldn't even know what anything is, it would be non existent there would be nothing, so we have to be something to figure everything out, and love may be a word but then so must depressed and happy be just a word as the feeling must not be real because it just gets produced and we put this word towards it and think of bad things for it when in reality we could make if feel different. We could in fact change Suicidal to feel ecstatic. Exiting! Amazing! Instead of wanting to die. We could all end up changing things so many times that its personal preference on how we choose to look at this. 

I want. I want to make someone feel like they are worth it. Or connect with someone somehow... I know the 'diagnosis' of Haemophilia isn't what I've got. Its supposed to be hereditary.... who! who in my family has got it! I'm sure they are supposed to keep records or at least know about this? I don't want this pain.

I don't want. I don't need this pain. Do I? Really? Do i deserve it? I guess i do, for everyone's life has got to have something in it. This is the exciting thing you're gonna hear about until they find the real problem.  I get scared. Not having the family i have around me. It's sort of my fault though. I distanced myself away, like i do with everyone, im lucky to have Sophia....

Change of directions things right now are making. The pain is getting worse and right now im not sure if its in my head or if it's real pain. I don't believe im Awake right now this is why.

Its because right now i am staring at the plain white ceiling that is saturated above my bed. The only thing that isn't plain is the definitions of the swirls that are rigid on it. Twisting and twirling in all different directions, some lines are more 3D then others are. Sometimes if you stare for long enough you can see pictures. Faces. Even words. That's the stage I'm at. I am just starting to see pictures. The definition of the swirls are showing me right now; Rabbits. Well a Rabbit. So not plural.How long have i been here? Days, i haven't left. My bed is probably now imprinted with my body indent for a long time. 

 Have i eaten?No. Do i care?No. The world is better of without me. Its just the way right now. I mean sometime you gotta fall before you fly.  

This is my life. I go from motivating myself to climb the highest mountain and wanting to like forward roll back down it, to having no motivation that i don't leave my dorm, the only two people that sees me and tries to talk to me is Sophia and my room mate. It doesn't work. Which is why right now im not awake. My eyes are just open, my body can move and its functioning, same with my brain but im not thinking, apart from these numb constant thoughts that are alive in my head and i cant stop thinking about them. I don't know how i get back out of it every time. Its hard. I cant even live sometimes... It has to be dark. I might as well be dead.