The Abuser

Life is Damned Hard

I'm evil to the core. What I shouldn't do I will. They say I'm emotional. What I wanna save I'll kill. Is that who I truly am? I truly don't have a chance. Tomorrow I'll keep a beat, and repeat yesterday's dance.

- Fairly Local by Twenty-one Pilots

......Draco's POV....

I drag my fork listlessly through my food with a loud sigh. The new Headmaster Snape hasn't even gotten up to give the welcome speech and I'm already missing her. She should be sitting here next to me, but instead is replaced by Pansy Parkinson; looking more skeletal and corpse-like than ever.

Her dark sunken eyes bore into me, and she scrapes my arm with her long, pink painted fingernails. "Where's your fiancé?" She hisses breathily into my ear.

I curl my lips disdainfully, forcing myself to laugh. "That witch? She wasn't faithful to our higher master, so I punished her. The Cruciatus was too much for her; she's as dead as Potter will be by the end of the year." I smile my most twisted smile, making Pansy giggle. "They all thought that I wouldn't have the guts- they thought that I'd prove too weak. My Lord will know now that the cause is my greatest love."

The dark-haired girl leans in close, dragging her cheek over my shoulder. "I just hope that I can take second." She whispers softly.

My stomach turns horribly, and I look away with a wince. Forcing myself to take a bite of food, I'm silent for a few moments. "Perhaps." I say finally, biting my lip until I can feel the metallic taste of my own blood.

She sighs throatily, slumping forward in her seat as Snape rises to speak. I don't even bother as to listen as he introduces our new teachers, the Carrows. Oh yes, I know them all too well; Alecto was known for using the Cruciatus on my fiancé, and the man Imperiused me almost weekly into beating myself.

This year is going to destroy everything that I ever loved; I realize that now more than ever. After the Death Eaters and the Dark Lord have their turn, both students and locations will be broken, destroyed, and totally unrecognizable. I am already beaten beyond the limits of sanity- the child who has aligned himself with their beliefs, the boy who has given his beauty and life for the propagation of unthinkable evil- has been treated no better than a filthy mudblood. No, I remind myself, she wouldn't want me to even think that; Muggle-born, not mudblood.

I push my plate aside; I'm not hungry for anything but a sense of safety. What have I done?! I've ruined every chance for happiness that I've ever had. Mentally, I run through the countless chances for redemption that I could have had. If I had pursued Harry Potter; if I had only shown him forgiveness for his folly! True, he's a git, and it was beyond rude to turn down my hand of friendship... but that was seven years ago! I could have tried, somehow, to join him. His friends and he will most certainly die, but they are going to their destruction with love and happiness. They know that their lives have been worth living, and that their deaths are an attempt to save those that they cherish. I to have a death sentence placed upon my shoulders, but when they find my corpse, no one will see anything but a young boy who has sold his very soul. Most would not even deem me worthy of burial; most would simply leave me rot for the things that I have done.

I'm purely irredeemable, and it would have been a sin to expect DeLuce to live the life that I've chosen. She too gave her youth and strength to the Death Eaters; but for my sake, not for power or glory! I had to let her go. She may desire to meet, but I'm not sure if I can bring myself to do so. As far as I'm concerned, we will die estranged; it's all my fault!

I think back to the events of last year, before I told DeLuce about my murder mission. All those days that I spent in front of the bathroom mirror, crying with Moaning Myrtle. The nights that I held my wand to my own throat, trying to bring myself to utter the two words that would put an end to my existence; the long hours alone on the Astronomy Towers, slipping on the edge of eternity... they all come flooding back to me. I'm left with the distinct feeling that I should have done what I contemplated, that I should have taken my own life to save that of my friends.