A Hollow Empty Canvas

●sinko

Her heart throbbed and her knees buckled as she slowly hit the floor. Her head was clamped firmly between her two wobbling hands as her lips quiver. Her thoughts gone wild and she thinks she's going insane as fast forward images and scenarios keep flashing in her mind making her head ache.

And it stopped. Everything went black and blank. She opened her eyes and it slowly became accustomed with the brightness surrounding her. It's the antipode of her past which is completely reverse of her past.

What horrors were committed in the caliginous confinement of that torture past she think she has and she can produce too many questions but there was a matter she's more willing to know.

But then she found out things about her life now and it was unquestionable that it was true. What she saw was true.

She found strength from nowhere and stood up and breathed heavily as she raised her head to look again to the mirror who reflects everything in the house but her. She can't believe her own eyes because it was truly a mirror which in irony should be reflecting her image but now it doesn't.

And it her again, like how it hit her when she lose a child. Hard.

She was a beauty queen with all the beauty and brains but her winning was no match of how overjoyed she felt when she married him, now she remembers. There will never be a divorce and she was happily married and their marriage centered God. They really have an undeniably strong faith.

To him she remembered the existence before but not the face nor his name but now she does. She does remember who her husband is and how she call him love and how he tenderly hugs her and wipes the stain on her face every time she paints.

Her obsession on painting a girl. A young girl wearing a silky pink dress with a collar and lace at the ends of the skirt. How she detailed every streak of her golden brown hair which was curly at the ends and tied with a satin ribbon matching her dress. She now knew why she loved the image and why she kept on doing it again.

Her mind being pessimistic wasn't because she was really negative but it's the fruit of the accident that happened to her that made her view things in life badly. But aside from her pessimistic mind was her heart which held, still a lot of love to give and her love for her children and her husband remained, still untainted by her mind. It remained optimistic like what she was before.

And she remembered when she was pregnant, she always read stories to her baby in her womb before going to sleep. She remembers how her husband was beside her rubbing her huge belly as she read Harry Potter to her kid.

And the swing, she always loved swings because it's where her Mom usually take her and she dreamt of swinging her own child in a swing as they laugh because of enjoyment along the backyards.

She was dethroned because she felt not a queen nor a princess not because of having no crown but because she didn't had a happy ending like any fairy tales she knew. She lose the crown of living because she loss 3 angels that she had a hard time keeping.
He didn't left her. They didn't left her. She left. She didn't gave up on having a family but she stopped fighting for her husband.
She just felt fragile that time when the idea of another girl can give him kids but she can't. She can't process the idea but she stopped fighting because she knew that it's her husband's rights to have an offspring which she can't provide.

And she has a memory of having no child at all because literally, when she left she has none but she left a bundle of joy to her grieving husband when she left. She gave him a miracle to believe in.

And now there's an explanation of her having a motherly feeling towards Caleah and Fleur. It explains why she longed for warm Teddy bear hugs. Why she longed for kisses scattered to her face from those little lips. Why she wanted someone rather than her husband to say I love you to her in random situations. Why she wanted to feel how to be really a parent.

She was a mom but she didn't experienced all a mother can experience. She wanted to see how her baby will have her first smile, first crawl, first step, first fall, first teeth, first word and another bunch of firsts. She yearn for those and it's not given to her.

A tear escaped as she thought of Caleah's sacrifices. She protected her. She protected her from knowing the truth because it will hurt her deeply, scar her achingly even if Caleah knew that she will find out eventually. She will find out why the people didn't see her and the house she's living in appeared empty to them.
She smiled when Caleah's face appeared in her mind. She's the perfect epitome of the girl she's always painting for years. Her one and only muse.

Caleah is her daughter who was miraculously saved when the bus hit her. She herself was a miracle. And she wanted to say thanks to her husband to even bother telling stories to their daughter about her. How she read that only story to her before she was even born. She wanted to pay gratitude to her husband who didn't forget her when all she did was accuse him before she left.

Her hands crawled their way to her chest where her heart was but now she felt no beating at all. She closed her eyes and swallowed her whimper and sobs as she accepted the unacceptable fact.

She's Dead

Like a hollow empty canvas.