Kidnapped

The accident

Me and Jonas was home alone for the first time in more than a year. For the first time since I came back. My parents had been really overprotective after I got back and it had really driven me mad for the last couple of weeks.

But they had finally given in to my pleads and left town for the weekend. Jonas and I were really excited and had stocked up with food, candy and music. We were going to party, just the two of us, just like we had done for as long as I can remember.

Jonas was in the livingroom, singing along to some bad, Swedish ballad that terrorised the radio. I was smiling and humming along, cutting the sallad and preparing the food. Me smiling was an unusual thing. Something always kept my lips from turning up into a smile since the kidnapping. But that night I smiled. Right then and there was the first time I actually felt like everything was like it used to be.

The music was loud and wonderful in my ears and I started to sway my hips to the rythm. I imagined James´s hands on my hips and his soft lips caressing my exposed neck. He whispered sweet Words in my ear and nibbled my earlobe teasingly.

I guess I let myself get carried away in my daydreams. Maybe I closed my eyes for a brief moment. Suddenly there was a sharp pain radiating from my finger. I looked down at my left hand and quickly closed my eyes. The pain quickly faded away and so did all my emotions. It was like I was back in the basement again, so easy to turn off the pain.

I opened my eyes again and looked down. It was like I was seeing everything with different eyes. My right hand was still holding the kitchen knife, which was now smeared with blood. So was my left hand. My little finger was laying amongst the green sallad. Amputated. Removed from my body. A soft giggle escaped my mouth and I droped the knife.

The music suddenly stoped and Jonas was standing i the doorway. "What happened? Why did you scream? Did you hurt yourself?"

I hadn´t been aware of that I had screamed. I put on a brave smile for Jonas, momantarily forgetting that he couldn´t see me. I grabbed a towel and covered my hand to stop the bleeding, not once letting the smile fall from my face. I still couldn´t feel the pain.

"Oh, just cut myself. Nothing to worry about. Could you please call Grandma, though?" I answered him with a happy voice.

"Why?" he asked and looked confused. My smile just widened and I laughed.

"Well, because I need to go to the hospital and we don´t have a car. Please hurry. I will go and put on an extra shirt, it´s quite chilly outside."

From my room I could hear Jonas call Grandma, telling her to hurry. I could feel what was left of my little finger throb beneath the towel, but I forced away the pain again. I had to stay strong. For Jonas. Just a while longer. You can do this, damn it!

Soon I could here Grandma´s voice out in the hallway. I forced a smile on my lips and walked out to greet them. Grandpa was standing there with them and his eyes widened when he saw the bloody towel over my hand. Grandma ran up to me and took me in her warm arms, holding me tight to her chest.

"I came as fast as I could, sweetie" she whispered in my ear. "Are you okay? Let me see, where did you cut yourself?"

I held my injured hand closer to my body. I wouldn´t let them see it. I still had a big smile on my lips and shook my head. "It´s fine, really, no need to worry. I just want a doctor to take a look at it, but I´m sure it´s nothing. I don´t feel a thing, seriously."

Grandma let go of me and looked straight into my eyes. She looked scared.Pure fear shone in her eyes.

"Amanda, what´s wrong with you?" she asked me and it hurt something deep inside of me. Because now she knew too. And so did Jonas and Grandpa. Now they knew what I had known all along. That it was something wrong with me. Something had been wrong inside ever sine I got back. Something broken that could never get fixed.

Still I kept that pained smile on my face, as if my life depended on it. Desperately trying to keep the pain away. It was getting harder and harder as a tear slowly fell down Grandmas cheek.

"Nothing´s wrong with me, I´m tired, that´s all. Let´s go, shall we?"

The entire ride to the hospital Jonas was holding my right hand. The smile still haunted my face. The car was deadly silent, my heartbeat thumped in my ears.

And then we were there and I walked up to a nurse in the ER. I smiled politely at her and she emidiately noticed the towel, which by now was drenched in blood. "Excuse me, I could use a Little help", I smiled and she rolled her eyes at me.

"You Think?" she asked, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "Follow me, I´ll get you a room. Lucky for you we´re not that busy tonight."

I followed the nice nurse and waved to my grandparents and brother to follow me. I got a small room with one bed in the middle. It was a room for examinations. The nurse turned to me and reached for my hand covered in the towel but I held it closer to my body, refusing to show it her.

"Don´t be riddiculus" the nurse snorted annoyed. "By the look of that towel I can see that you´ve lost a lot of blood. I need to see how serious it is so I know what to tell the doctor. Come on and be a good girl now!"

I looked at my grandparents. I didn´t want them to see. They shouldn´t have to see my pain. It was my own and mine to deal with.

"What´s your name?" the nurse asked me, causing me to turn my attention back to her.

"Amanda."

"Give me your hand, Amanda", she said with a soft voice. "Blood loss is serious buisness. I will even give you a lollipop if you let me see your hand. Okay? Will you please let me help you?"

I sighed deeply and nodded. I gave her my hand and let her remove the towel. I could hear my Grandma gasp when my hand became visible. My left little finger was almost entirely gone. Instead, there was just a stump. A stump covered in blood. Some blood was still coming out, running down my hand and arm.

That´s when the pain came. I held back a cry and forced back the tears that threatened to burst out. I swallowed hard and closed my eyes. Come on, you´ve seen worse. You´ve poked a man´s eye out for crying out loud!  

"Oh sweetheart, why didn´t you tell us?" cried my grandmother.

I didn´t answer her. All my energy went to keeping myself consious.

"Do you have the finger with you, Amanda?" asked the nurse.

What an odd question to ask. Why would I think about that? Especially when it looked so good there amongst the sallad. The finger had stoped being my finger the second I cut it off. Bringing it had been the last thing on my mind.

"I thought the sallad could use a little protien" I giggled. Black spots danced across my vision and I suddenly felt very dizzy. "I think I need to lay down for a little while."

The last thing I saw was the nurse´s kind face. Knowing I was in good hands I feel asleep, for once without nightmares.

Hours later, when I woke up, I could see the morning sun through my window. I could feel a distant, throbbing pain in my finger, or in what used to be my finger, but it didn´t bother me as much as my dry mouth. It felt like I had eaten sand and then went out for a jogg.

Sleepily I sat up, planning to go get myself a glass of water, when my eyes suddenly rested on the person sitting next to my bed, sleeping. My heart stoped for a moment and everything else in the world ceased to exist.