Kidnapped

Broken

I only stayed at the hospital for another two days, then I was allowed to go home. I spent most of the time there sleeping actually. I was still exhausted and felt like I hadn´t slept for years. Not at all like I had slept for almost more than a week.

My parents told me that I had been in that basement for three months, give or take a few days. It made sense, though it had been hard to keep track of time in there. They also told me that they had recieved pictures of me and James regularly. Pictures of us sleeping, with bruises all over our faces. Once, they had recieved a videotape of me being tortured. I had no recolection of them filming me, but I guess I had my concentration focused elsewhere.

It made me sad to know how much my parents had suffered while I had been gone. I understood of course that they would be worried, but I had never imagined that they would recieve pictures and tapes which would just increase their pain. It made me feel sick and made me hate my capturers even more. 

Even though I told no one about what Dr. Jim had told me, about the pregnancy, I couldn´t stop thinking about it. I had been pregnant with James´s child. Only for a month, give or take, but still. Even though I was glad to be back home, there was a terrible sadness inside of me. I didn´t know if it was because of my miscarriage, or if it was because of something else.

The first night back I was surprised to find that I couldn´t sleep. Even though I was so tired, I couldn´t fall asleep. Every time I closed my eyes I would se Denim Guy in front of me, with a gun pointed towards me. Or worse, pointed towards James. After several hours alone in the dark I did something I had never done before.

Just like Jonas had done, whenever he couldn´t sleep, I knocked on the wall that seperated my bed from his. A few seconds later I heard him gently knock in reply. Then, I could hear my door open and Jonas was standing there with his pillow.

He walked over to my bed and gently felt me with his hands so that he wouldn´t hurt me as he layed down beside me. He had to be very careful because of my many injuries, and I understood it must have been extra hard for him since he couldn´t see anything, but soon we were both comfortable and tucked in.

We were quiet for a long time, until I thought that he had fallen asleep. Then I felt the tears well up in my eyes when I realized what had happened to me. Strangely, what made me cry was not the horrible things that I had experienced, but it was what Dr. Jim had told me a few days earlier.

I was filled with a great sense of loss and hate. Hate towards Denim Guy. He was the reason I was no longer pregnant. Pregnant with James´s baby.

If I had had the choice, would I have kept the baby? I honestly don´t know. It would have been complicated I suppose, considering the age difference between me and James. But I would have liked to have the choice. Maybe me and James could have decided together.

Oh my God, I have to talk to James! He would want to know. He deserves to know.

Jonas didn´t say anything, he just put his arms around me carefuly and held me while I cried. He knew that I wasn´t ready to talk about any of it yet and he didn´t force me to. He knew that the most important thing was that I knew that he would be there for me no matter what. And for that I loved him.

With Jonas by my side, I finally fell asleep. When I slept with James next to me, somehow he had managed to remove most of my bad dreams. Jonas didn´t. I woke up every few hours, screaming out my fear and pain. I dreamed of darkness and pain, and of terrible things happening to James. 

Finally, around five o´clock the next morning, Jonas left the bed to go get our parents. Mom and dad came rushing in and sat down on the bed with me. I was screaming my loungs out after the last dream I had had. The worst one yet.

I was sitting on the small bed in the basement, and I was holding something in my arms. A baby. A boy. He had just fallen asleep and I was singing to him softly in swedish when suddenly Denim Guy was standing before me. He was laughing and had an evil smirk on his lips. Then he grabbed the baby from my arms and held him by the neck. He reached for his gun ...

I was shaking so bad I could barely breath as my parents tried to calm me down. There was no use though. I just couldn´t seem to calm down enough. The tears kept rushing down my face and there was no way I could stop crying. Because I knew that something deep inside of me was broken, and would be forever.

After a few days at home, something happened that scared my family half to death. We where sitting in the living room with my grandparents, just talking. My grandparents had shown up a lot since I came back, and grandma didn´t seem to be able to stop touching my hair or my cheek. I think it was to make sure that I was really there, that it wasn´t just a dream.

I didn´t talk much, I hadn´t said much at all since I came back, but the others seemed content enough to just have me around. I don´t remember what they where talking about, when all of a sudden I wasn´t there anymore. I was back in the basement, with James laying beside me on the bed, sleeping. He had his forehead pressed against mine and I could feel his warm breath against my face.

I closed my eyes and when I opened them again I was back in my living room. Everyone was standing up now, looking at me with worried expressions on their faces. Grandma was crying and holding on tight to grandpa, who looked just as scared. Mom was holding the phone with both hands like her life depended on it.

I cleared my throat a little. "Hey", I said and gave them a little smile. "What happened?"

Dad sat down on his knees next to my wheelchair on the floor. He looked up into my eyes and cupped my face with his big hands. There were tears in his eyes, which made me feel kind of uncomfortable.

"Are you okay, sweetheart? How are you feeling?"

I laughed a little and gave him a small smile. "Of course, I´m fine. Why would I not be okay?"

They all just looked at me like I had just said that it was raining pizza outside. I turned to my brother who was sitting in an armchair with his hands over his face. He had his eyes closed and looked like he was in pain. "Jonas, tell me what´s wrong."

He didn´t turn toward me when he answered. "You were just ... gone. For almost five minutes. Just gone."

I didn´t understand a word he was saying. I looked around at all the others in the room and they just stared at me. Finally, mom spoke softly to me with tears rushing down her face. "I think we need to go back to the hospital, dear." 

Dr. Jim told me that I had, sort of, blacked out. I told him about what I had seen, and that all of a sudden I had been back in the living room. I told him how real it had felt, like I was experiencing it all over again.

Then, while I was talking to the doctor, it happened again. Only this time, it wasn´t a happy memory. I was back to that first day, when I had been beaten and tortured in front of James. Then I was back again, and Dr. Jim was sitting in front of me. He told me I had been gone for about three minutes this time.

After a lot of testing they still didn´t know why my brain closed down like it did, but they did tell me that it wasn´t dangerous. At least, as long as I was still in the wheelchair, because then I couldn´t fall and hurt myself.

I was sent home, with more painkillers and an apointment later in the week.

When we came home, it happened again, for only two minutes this time. They all tried to be suportive but I could tell that it really freaked them out. I hated the way they looked at me. With fear and pity. I told them that I was tired and needed to go to bed.

There, alone with my thoughts, I found myself once again knocking on the wall. Soon my brother was there beside me, to share my pain. He couldn´t keep my nightmares away, but I couldn´t fall asleep at all without him.

We didn´t speak. Having him close was enough and I was not ready yet to share my thoughts with anyone. Because they truly scared me. 

I was home again and I should´ve been happy. But how can you be happy when you feel so broken inside?