Torn Apart (Captain America:Civil War One-Shots)

Bucky-1

AN: I might switch POVs from time to time just like this one. Some words were taken from the comics and I also quoted rephrased what Seb said for this part.
--
/Bucky/
Sitting here in this jet with Steve, there's one thing that I can't help but notice.

I can see it.

The way he's struggling to overcome the fear of losing me again. The life-threatening stunt Steve pulled off with the helicopter a while ago just proved how desperate he was to keep me here no matter what it takes. However, I'm not the man I used to be.

The man I was, James Buchanan Barnes, was almost entirely lost after all that brainwashing Hydra did to me. Once I started to remember, it always felt like a nightmare. I'd have a brief moment of relief  knowing that the things I did were all just a dream, but would eventually realize that it all happened. And it is also because of all that brainwashing that I would remember less and less of who I am. Now, the few  memories that I have left remain buried and no matter how hard I try to reach for them, they just seem to bury themselves deeper.

There's too much that I want to tell Steve, but I don't think that I can bring myself to tell him of what I've done. He believes that I can change back to the friend he knew, but it's much too late for that. The past has already been written and there's no changing that.

When I got out of Hydra's radar a few months after SHIELD fell, the horrors I committed came back rushing like a tsunami. What was worse was that I remembered every single one of them. How I tortured them, murdered them--- all of that was what filled my brain and kept me up at night.  I wanted to end my life right then and there.

It wasn't the first time I've thought of putting a bullet through my brain,but all I know is that someone was there to keep me alive.

"I love you, James."

Natasha Romanoff kept me alive.