As You Were

9. Brutality or Passion

We had been awake for quite some time now, content to lay silent with my arms wrapped around him, holding him close to my body. Last night had been the best night of my life. It wasn't just the sexual stuff, but finally understanding the closeness I could have with another human being and feeling both the physical and emotional bond taking place. I had finally let go. I had pushed away all the thoughts I had that told me not to do what I did, the very guidance that I'd lived by my entire life and held onto so tightly. Surely I thought I would have guilt after, that I would wake up and be disgusted and hate myself for what I'd done. But I had none of that.

Instead I had an emphatic peace. My mind was the clearest and calmest it'd been in years and somehow it felt like I had figured everything out. It dawned on me that for the first time in a long time I was happy. True happiness, down in my core. Now that I knew what I wanted and that I could have it, I was going to hold onto it with everything I had, and with that in mind I squeezed Jax a little, wanting to make sure that he was as near to me as he could be. He turned over now, still in my arms, and tangled his legs with mine as we looked into each other's eyes.

Just seeing his face was enough and I could feel my heart burst as I leaned in and kissed him softly. After we satisfied our bodies we spent the whole night talking, rewriting everything that had happened. I still felt like such an ass for how I had treated him, but he forgave me so easily. There were some things we didn't talk about, things that would have spoiled the perfect night. Of course we knew that we would have to deal with them eventually, but nothing else seemed important yet somehow.

"I could stay here all day." I smiled, blushing like a little girl as I stole another kiss.

"Me too." Jax whispered back, trapping my face onto his when I tried to pull away, not wanting to let go. We were silent for another length of time, understanding that nothing more needed to be said. "You know, you never asked me what I wanted." He spoke of one of the times we'd gone to breakfast, when he sent me on my road to my truth unbeknownst to either of us.

"And what is it that you want?" I put my lips on his shoulder now so that his mouth would be free to speak.

"Well, I actually don't see myself being a director forever. I love it, but I'm not sure there's much to direct where I'm going, so instead I do something else." He squinted one eye as he considered. "I volunteer, maybe at an animal rescue—I like animals. I spend my evenings working on the house, because there's always room for improvements. I don't see myself living here, though. No, I've ended up someplace really quiet, someplace on a dirt road. You're there with me, and on the weekends we take hikes in the woods behind our house because no matter how much time we spend in there we can never seem to see it all." Jax smiled at the scene in his head, "and we are happy."

"Jax," I grabbed the back of his neck, trying to find the words. "I would never ask you to give up your life like that."

"I know, and I wouldn't be giving it up for you. I would give it up because it's what I want. Because I," he stopped, swallowing hard as he tried to compose himself, "because I love you."

"I know. I love you too." I murmured gently, embracing him again. "And I wish it were that simple. That we could just leave here and go somewhere else." My stomach knotted now, the first feeling of something not joyous finding me. What kind of life did I expect to have with Jax? He didn't know who I was, and if he did he could reject me. Then there was Conley, I was always going to be a criminal, a man running from the law. It was so wrong of me to even think about mixing him up in all of that.