As You Were

6. Sin

The tip of my nose was numb from the cold, and if I crossed my eyes I could see that it was red. Still, despite that and despite that my hands were starting to shake from being out here in the chill I didn't want to leave, this was by far one of my favorite places in New York. Jax had actually shown me this park when we were walking home one day after our usual gym routine. It was still busy, sure, but that was the city and there wasn't any way around that, and what I liked about it was that it was so simple, so familiar to me even though I hadn't seen it before he first brought me here. Because it seemed familiar to me it felt right to return here when I needed a little clarity, and that was what I was doing here now. Finding my clarity.

Sitting on a bench I faced one of the statues that stood erected here, staring at it and tracing the contours of it even though I wasn't really seeing them. It was a beautiful piece probably, but I was too busy being lost in my mind to really determine either way. I'd been here since early morning, waking up too soon for a second day in a row was uncomfortable for me and confusing to my body, but it was no surprise, considering. I wasn't sure what to do with Dahlia, knowing only that I thought she would have picked up the phone by now after the countless messages I left her. Or Evie, who wanted something I wasn't prepared to give her, and that haunted me too.

I wished I could talk about either of those things with Jax. Even though it was Monday he stayed the night anyway, saying that after how things happened the day before, what with finding the body, he didn't want me to be alone. So he stayed. And even though I wanted to talk to him about it—about anything—I just left him dreaming away on my couch as I came here. The sun was just starting to come up, and soon I would be forced to return so that we could go to work, resume our lives like everything was ordinary. I couldn't bear the thought of it and I closed my eyes.

"Risky, being out here like this in the open." Her voice startled me, and I was on my feet in seconds.

"Dahlia, I—" As I began to launch myself into all manners of frenzy she waved me off, sitting down on the bench and waiting until I'd done the same. When she remained silent after that I kept glancing anxiously to her and then away from her, trying not to speak as she had stifled me, but unable to resist the urge at the same time.

"There's a reward out for you." Although she spoke to me in a complacent tone her eyes kept straight ahead, refusing to look at me still. I didn't like what she said, I wasn't exactly sure what she was getting at but I didn't like it. Now I sat back a little farther too, waiting quietly as I tried to process how to respond.

"It was only a matter of time." That was what I finally managed.

"I don't know if it's true of course," she shrugged, "that's just what I hear." After she'd spoke we were both silent for another length of time.

"Look, Dahlia, I'm sorry." I finally blurted, not really intending to but unable to stop myself.

"Don't be." Her reply was swift, and I looked at her, unsure of what to make of it. Yet I had to say something, anything to make her not give up on me. At this point I was all but ready to get down on my knees and lick her six inch heels. Then she looked at me finally. "You won't get an apology or anything, so don't hold your breath, babe, but," she sighed audibly, "I do get it."

"You do?" I asked, surprised.

"Yes. You aren't the first person I've known to be running for their life and needing a little bit of comfort. It can be lonely, lying to everyone around you, living your life in constant fear. You spend so much time trapped in your own dread that one day when you find somebody who maybe doesn't ask a lot of questions you, I don't know, are drawn to them. So yeah, I get it." Dahlia averted her eyes from me again, but I continued to look on at her wondering about the regretful tone in her voice.