As You Were

12. Even in Death

There was a knock at the door, soft, gentle. That was how I knew it wasn't the police coming to take me off to jail. No, because it was so quiet, and by the way it faltered I could tell just who it was. I let Jax in, waiting for him as he paused out in the hallway still, not coming into the room. The air was silent between us, and I tried to think of anything that I might say which would bring him any comfort. After a moment he made eye contact with me, falling into me as he began to cry. This was the first I'd seen of him since what happened. I had so many questions.

They could wait, though, and I pulled him inside, shutting the door and leading him over to the bed where we sat down. It had been several days now, and though my heart still ached for Evie I couldn't help but feel happy to see him again. Not only because I was beyond worried about him, but because I missed him too. Because I wanted to be close to him and not far away. The suit that he was wearing told me everything I needed to know, I knew exactly where his next stop would be after he left here, and I also knew that he came here first because I was the only thing that could comfort him now.

"I've been trying to call you." I told him, lightly moving my fingers through his hair, any excuse to touch him.

"I needed to be alone." Jax whispered, holding my eyes as I tried to resist looking away from him, unable to bear the darkness that I saw in them.

"And now?" Truthfully I was almost afraid to ask, not sure if I wanted to know the answer. I wanted to cry too. It was what I'd been doing anyway, sitting in this motel room and crying while I waited for my next direction from Dahlia. She seemed distracted, only having called me the day of to tell me to wait for her next instruction. Even though I wanted to cry now I would not let myself, not out of some male bravado, but because I wanted to be strong for him in this moment.

"Now I needed to see you." He wiped his eyes, reaching for my hand and then holding it to his face as if it were the first embrace he'd felt in all that time. It was.

"I missed you." I murmured, sitting back in the bed and pulling him into me, holding him tightly as I kissed his cheek from behind. "But I know that was what you needed, I shouldn't have kept calling."

"No, it was good." Jax put both of his arms on top of mine, and I could feel that he was shaking slightly. There was nothing I could say, so I instead sufficed to remain there, holding onto this moment before I knew he would have to leave. My hope was that my strength, no matter how fake, would be enough to stop the pain from going through him, at least for right now. Yet it only progressed, and before I knew it he was sobbing. "I k-k-keep thinking that this is all j-just a dream. That I'm going to w-wake up from it any minute now. Each morning I-I-I wake up, not remembering, and each morning I h-have to rediscover that sh-she's gone. My sister is gone."

"I know, hey," I stroked his arms now, breathing down his neck while I whispered in his ear, trying to soothe him, "and I'm so sorry, Jax, I mean it. This is all my fault."

"Stop." He took a breath. "We p-protect one another. That was what she always said. We protect one another. All m-my life," now Jax stopped, waiting until he could control his emotions enough to speak through them again, "all my life my sister k-kept me safe. She l-looked out for me, made sure I n-never had to suffer. Oh God, but when sh-she needed m-m-me the most, I couldn't protect her." Then he was lost in his tears again. I said nothing. Not because I was cruel and wanted him to go on with that idea in his head, but because I knew how strongly it was rooted in him now, and the harder I tried to convince him otherwise would just solidify it even more.