Odd Things At Odd Times

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Ah yes, I came back. It's the music, man. It's inspiring. Though yet again I don't have a clue what to write. Maybe just write about (cliche I know) how I feel? You know what why not. It's not like it's anyone's decision but mine since nobody is reading this.

Like how I have a love hate relationship with creation, I feel the same way with emotions. Sorta ironic. I guess about 85% of the time I hate emotions and wish I had none. Because yes, sure, there's happiness and joy and excitement and love and I don't know, comfort? But there's more. There's sadness and anxiety and anger and embarrassment and confusion and fear and there's so much of it. At least for me. So I wish I had no emotion. When I begged for medicine (still am actually. Thanks parents.) I had people tell me multiple times that all medicine would do is take away every emotion and I would just be blank. Plain. But they don't understand that's what I want. Oh, just the thought of no emotion calms me. I wouldn't have to deal with anything anymore.

Not the sadness, not the crying myself to sleep, not the anxiety attacks before and during school. Not the embarrassment around other people, not the social anxiety that tears me apart. Not the fear of happiness. Not the confusion. Just peace. Relaxation. Sounds like heaven to me. Though to my family I sounded like a nut job and apparently that's not good. They told me no because they don't want me to stop having emotion with them. Can you believe hoe fucked up that is? Okay fine, I won't take the numbing meds and I'll get so anxious one day or so unbelievably sad that I'll kill myself.

Maybe then they'd understand what I meant, when they feel the pain themselves.