Odd Things At Odd Times

Music

I want to write out is how frustrated I get that when family members try to talk to me about this and say they support me no matter what, I start to cry and I don't know why but it makes me even more frustrated that I cannot get my words out without crying and that makes me cry more because instead of acting angry like a normal person I cry. Which is a never-ending cycle because if I get mad I cry. When I cry I get mad.

When I talk to mom she explains to me its okay to be introverted and that if I ever need to talk shes there to just listen but also when I talk to dad and Sam they are more extroverted which doesn't make me not want to talk to them, sometimes it makes it easier. So I can easily talk to everyone who is a parent to me no matter what kind of person they are but I have a hard time explaining this to them. And when I can't get my words out I get frustrated and when I get frustrated I cry and when I cry I get frustrated and when all this happens my parents assume something completely opposite to what I mean. So i go back to doing what I do best and thats isolating myself. But my family is always trying to stop me from doing this which leads me to getting frustrated which ALWAYS LEADS TO CRYING and like I said, people take it the wrong way. EVERYTHING. I. SAY. COMES. OUT. WRONG. I wish I could let my feelings out exactly how I want them so thats exactly what I'm doing with this writing. But I still feel like whoever reads this will read it all wrong.

I have finally decided what music does to me. When I listen to any music besides Twenty One Pilots I feel unaffected which is perfectly fine by me. But then I listen to Twenty One Pilots and I get blasted by a wave of emotions. This music brings out my emotion it explains how I feel it helps me understand it lets me know they know what I'm going through. I discovered it and was overjoyed at the fact that this music explains my feelings. I wanted to show it to everyone and say "this is how I feel" and maybe just maybe someone would understand. But I always decide not to at the last second because I don't want to become that stupid stereotype that people who listen to this music are looking for attention and self harm and are overdramatic because being overdramatic is one of my worst fears and I never want someone to think I am being overdramatic. So I did the next thing I could think of which was subtly giving hints. Things like when I ask for music and put on a certain song or when I try to show someone this video with this particular music in it or when I try to constantly talk about the creators of this music I'm really trying to let you know that this is how I feel. If I ever try to play a certain song please , please listen to the lyrics. W hen I did this before I would get so upset that nobody was hearing this that nobody was realizing that nobody would help me that I would just fall into a hole of depression and it hurts and it makes me want to scream and then I still get so scared someone will think less of me that when someone asks what's wrong that I still answer with nothing. But everyone always goes "I want someone to realize something is wrong" and I feel like that but only sometimes and I get so terrified about people trying to pry things out of me that I act like everything is perfectly okay and no one ever sees past it. I usually want people to just leave me alone to figure this out by myself but when its three am and I'm alone and I'm crying harder than I was the night before I dont want to be alone anymore I just want someone to listen

This started getting so bad that I felt like this at school and its the hardest thing I've ever done. Its going to a place with everyone I hate and hiding the fact that I'm not perfectly fine and faking happiness so people will leave me alone so I'm not being overdramatic and its pure torture. I get home and feel so sad and so upset that I need to listen to these lyrics that explain to me what's happening but I don't do homework which causes people to yell at me and people to scream and people to laugh at me during school when I dont show up with finished work and I hate embarrassment. It causes my family to take away my phone which has my lyrics it has my feelings it has the only thing keeping me sane and even though this sounds stupid it's the truth. And I don't know any other way to put it.

When I say I hate the people at my school its because they have discovered my music. They have taken it and made it popular and they have said things that make me want to scream. When some kid that has never felt what I'm feeling says that they can relate to this music and everyone else agrees and says the same thing and takes everything I need and makes it theirs I want to scream as loud as I can until I can't anymore and its the most frustrating thing in the entire world and I just cant take it. The people at my school take these things that tear me apart and make them seem like its either nonexistent, perfectly normal, or something everyone should do. And its not. Its something that I wouldn't wish on anyone in the world and making it seem like the cool thing to do makes me more mad than anything else.