Odd Things At Odd Times

Everything Written Out

I was told that writing out what I need to say will help me get out the correct words. I've always felt like that would work but I would look stupid and like a mute and one thing I wish is that I would be able to talk to everyone like this all the time. Though,that is not acceptable and my family and school would not allow it, also because I would look stupid.

I've always had a connection with music even before I realized I had depression and now that I realize I do have depression I feel like I have something to lean on. When I start to get this feeling when nothing can make me happy, not even talking it out, I go to music. But as Im listening I realize "what's the point". They write this music to help people, to let them know they're there and that I am not alone. But I do not know these artists. They do not not know me. They cannot be here in person to help me. The only other person I feel could help me is me. I feel uncomfortable talking to family about it, I don't even know what's going on inside my head myself. So trying to get help from family doesn't work because I don't know what to tell them in the first place. So I think of friends. What friend could I ask for help? First off, I only have three. Two are innocent,without a clue of my feelings or what its like. The third is one who, if I ever actually tell them, is either going to help me slightly or laugh in my face. So no friends. Teachers are a no, I dont know any of them well enough and they would immediately talk to my parents. Like I said,no family. So I go to music. But that does not work every time. Internet friends are great and all, but they are just like bands and artists. I do not know them. They do not know me. I get these thoughts in my head that make me angry or sad or empty inside or just make me feel like everything is wrong. Its not even thoughts. Its just a wave of emotion that cannot and will not go away. I don't think of self harm. Even when i feel like this I still firmly believe that self harm is stupid. So I wonder what else I could do. And I remember. Isolation. If I can isolate myself then nobody can ask me if I'm okay, nobody can force me to tell them what I'm feeling, nobody can see me crying and start crying too or try and hug me or try and stop me. I want to cry. I need to cry. Dont try and stop me. Just let me do it by myself. But after this happens all I can feel is guilty because my family will worry or they will be mad but I do not want to open up. So when they suggest counseling I only get scared. Yes it could help and yes it will make me feel better but in reality, its not a "yes it will happen" its a "maybe it will happen". Opening up to someone I barely know with a chance of "maybe feeling better" is not comforting in the slightest. Its completely terrifying. And before you say something like "but I know what youre going through and I can help you and you have to at least try it because even though it scares you it might work" just stop. That still doesn't comfort me and it certainly doesn't make anything better. You might know what I'm going through but you might not. And if you do, great but that doesn't make me want to talk about it. I think about how if I tell people this they will just let me figure this out on my own and let me cry and feel sad and fix this by myself and that could work. But I also would need time to be able to isolate myself and to cry and to just take a moment where I don't have to force a smile or I don't have to bottle it up. Thats the hard part. How do I find time to do this with so much family that wants me to hangout with them? How do I do this when I have all high cap classes that demand As and Bs? How do I do that when my friends pester me about not talking like usual or laughing at their jokes? How do I do this with teachers at school deciding that its perfectly okay to put a person with anxiety in front of a group of people I hate to do a presentation? How do I do this when I have to use my after school time to study? I don't.