Finding a Way to Love:Forever Yours (Book two of The Finding Series)

Chapter Ten

A beeping noise pulls me out of my sleepy haze. When I open my eyes, the lights hit them and then my hangover becomes imminent.

I slowly blink and feel a tight grip on my right hand. Sam's head is resting on our joined hands and he's asleep. Why is he here? Why am I here? I remember drinking but that was it.

I guess he feels me stirring, cause he raises his head. His eyes hold pain, and a small smile rests on his lips.

"You scared me, Rache." He brings my hand to his lips.

I cringe at the light. "What are you doing here?" I say squinting.

He leans closer, dragging his chair with him. He smooths the hair back from my head. "Is your head hurting?"

I raise my brow, making my head hurt worse. I'm still mad at him. "Why do you care?"  My voice is hoarse and a scowl forms on my face.

He frowns. His jaw line straightens. "When I found you, after you called me telling me how much you hate me, I found lying on the floor in vomit. You almost died. You've been out for almost a day."

Panic rushes through me. "What about Annabel and Jamie? Do they know? What happened to me?"

Sam grips my hand. "You drank yourself into an alcoholic coma. They had to pump your stomach." A look of pain crosses his face when he says it. "Annabel and Jamie are in the waiting room. Dr. Matthews was really worried about you."

His hand brushes my cheek. "I called Lucas. He's been by a few times. He told Annabel that the two of you broke up."

I just sit here, while he rubs my cheek, I know I'm supposed to be mad at him and did I really call him? That's probably how he found me. I turn my head from his gaze and I face the wall. "Why are you here, Sam?"

I hear him sigh. "Rachel, I'm not kidding when I say you scared the crap out of me. You scared Annabel and Jamie too. None of us knew that you have been feeling like this."

I'm happy I don't see his face right now. Cause if I did, I would probably crumble even more.

"Rachel Jenkins!" I hear Annabel's voice come into the room. She sounds angry. I cautiously turn my head to see a look of worry and concern on her face. "You better have a good explanation of why you tried to kill yourself?" She snaps and I see the pain in her eyes, it matches Sam's pain too.

"I don't know." I hoarsely whisper. The light makes my head hurt again and I guess Sam can tell, because he runs out of the room, saying he's going to get a nurse.

Jamie decides to go find his dad to talk about something, but I think it's because Annabel wants to be alone to chew me out.

She comes to sit beside me, her almost seven month old baby bump poking out. She rests a hand on it and smiles, but she has tears in her eyes and the smile doesn't reach her eyes. "Rache, we all miss Kay. I know you do too. But you can't go on like this. Do you not see how worried we are about you? When Sam called us this morning, I thought he was kidding with me. The Rachel I thought I knew would never harm herself."

I don't look at her. The guilt is eating me. "I'm sorry, Bell. I don't know what is going on with me." I choke on a sob. "Ever since my mom died, I feel like I'm drowning and nothing takes it away." I angrily wipe my tears that just started. "And Sam rejecting me made it so much worse." I sob out.

Annabel has tears in her eyes. "Please help me, Annabel. I feel like I'm drowning and there's no way out. When Lucas broke up with me, I reached my breaking point. I was done trying, done living. Since no one loved me, I had no reason to live."

She pulls me into her arms and rubs my back and cries with me. "Oh Rachel." I hear her praying, and I know she's praying in her heavenly language. 

A knock on the door breaks us apart and Dr. Matthews stands adorned in his doctor coat with my chart in hand. "Well Rachel, you sure gave us a scare." A nurse walks in behind him and starts to check my vitals. "Can I speak to Rachel alone?" He asks everyone who has started to crowd my room.

Annabel leans down and kisses my forehead and she whispers she loves me. The look the three give each other before leaving the room makes me think they are hiding something from me.

After my entourage leaves, Dr. Matthews shuts the door and I'm now aware of a unfamiliar monitor to the right of me that shows a heart rate and all kinds of vitals. I feel a tight band around my midsection, and now I'm a little worried.

He pulls up a chair and the nurse still works around me checking IV's and my temperature and blood pressure. When she is finished she leaves and Dr. Matthews gives me a look of this is bad news.

"Rachel, are aware of when you had your last cycle?" My cheeks go red and I can't help but feel embarrassed by this and truth be told I have no clue when my last one was. It never shows up on time and I haven't really been worried about it, been busy with more important things.

I shrug. "I don't remember." His eyes grow solemn. "Mr. Matthews what's wrong? Please tell me?"

He sighs. "Rachel, do you know that the amount of alcohol you consumed nearly killed you?" I nod but I don't see where he's going with it. "Rachel, are you aware you're pregnant?" He says with a sigh.

The wind is knocked out of me. And I laugh. "What do you mean I'm pregnant? I can't...." I trail off and then images of Sam and I together flood my mind.

"You're eleven weeks." He says but there is something that he isn't telling me.

"Does everyone else know?" I ask with a blank look, and even more guilt and remorse fill me.

"Yes they do, they assume you know. Well Sam doesn't think you don't know, but my daughter in law has other ideas."

He rubs the back of his neck and the room seems hazy. I wish my mother was here. I wish none of this would have happened.

"Rachel, due to the amount of alcohol you consumed, your child may suffer severe birth defects. It's amazing it survived. I'm in no place to talk because I'm not an OB/GYN, but I feel you need to speak with your doctor." My head is spinning, a little over twenty four hours ago I tried to end my life, but now I realize I could have killed my child's life too in the process. The realization of this makes me feel sick. Dr. Matthews must sense it, because he grabs the nearest trash can and hands it to me.

I throw up bile, since there is nothing on my stomach. After I wipe my mouth, I rest my face in my hands. "I can assume that the father is Lucas correct?" My gaze snaps to his.

"No." I snap, I don't want to even think about him, he's one of the reasons I'm even here. "He's not the father."

His mouth hangs open. "You mean to tell me, that the father is Sam?" I shyly nod.

He shakes his head. "Don't tell him, I don't want him to know."

Dr. Matthews gives me a look. "Rachel he should know, its his baby." My hands find their way to my stomach and they rest on it protectively.

"I know, but he can't know now." I feel tears running down my face. "Can you send in Bell?"

He nods and kisses me on my forehead before he walks out. Since my mom died, my dad has slipped into depression too, but nothing like mine. We don't talk anymore and I see a bunch of Jamie's dad so he has become a second father to me.

Annabel walks in with a soft smile on her face. "Feels like I'm the older cousin this time around." She tries to joke, and I try to laugh, but it comes out as a sob.

She has her arms wrapped around me as fast as a pregnant woman with twins can. "I'm scared Bell."

"I'm here my child." I hear him whisper. "I didn't leave." I close my eyes as peace surrounds me.

"Bell pray for me." I choke out. "God please forgive me. I've been so tired and lost." I cry.

Annabel raises her head to me. "He knows, Rache. You're forgiven. It's okay." I bury my head in her shoulder as she continues to pray for me. And for the first time in months, I don't feel so alone and empty anymore.