The Book of Obscure One-Shots

The Berry's Baes

Jerry had a dilemma. A serious dilemma. Last night, he had been pressured into giving away his deepest secret: the name of his crush. Or, rather the names of his three crushes, who he believed he liked simultaneously.

He was on the school bus now, snuggled up in his swim parka, thinking about what people were going to say to him now that the secret was out. Worst of all, what did his crushes think? What would they say? He could picture their faces--Sarah, Natalie, and Catherine--in disbelief that someone could like three people at once.

The bus came to a stop at NAI. Jerry got off without saying a word to his bus driver, as usual, and entered the building, hoping he wouldn't run into anyone he knew. Unfortunately, the first person he spotted in the rush of students was Sarah. Tensing up in his parka, Jerry's mind raced, trying to figure out what to say to her. But, thankfully, she didn't see him and disappeared into the crowd of people flowing through Tiger Hall.

When Jerry finally reached his locker, he sighed with relief. He opened his locker (which didn't require unlocking since he jammed a pencil in it) and quickly took his things out of his backpack. He didn't even bother taking off his parka.

Then, Jerry made a detrimental mistake: He went into the library. There, he saw Sarah, Natalie, Catherine, and all of his other friends congregated together at a table in the far corner. Gloria immediately spotted him and greeted him. "Hey, babe!"

Being the nice, polite gentleman he was, Jerry was about to say something like, "Oh, hi, b*tch," or "Dumbsh*t," but he stopped when he felt a strange emotion flood within him. It wasn't a foreign emotion, just a strange one--one that he also felt when he was near Sarah, Natalie, or Catherine. Did Jerry have a fourth crush now?

He couldn't let anyone find out. So, he resorted to sitting next to Roy and only talking to people over Hangouts, though every one of his chats were filled with talk of the births of Jerrah, Jerralie, and Jetherine. Frustrated, he spammed back at them with random marijuana copypastas made of symbols from the Tibetan keyboard.

Roy watched Jerry, unamused, while he spammed. Roy didn't like it, so he blasted his favorite song, "Brain Power," to annoy him. Jerry clutched his parka as he struggled to ignore Roy. But then, something unusual happened. The same emotion of attraction and longing washed over him yet again. Great, now I like Roy? he panicked.

Luckily, the bell rang before he could say anything to Roy. As Jerry exited the library, however, all of his friends were yelling, "Jerrah!" and "Jerralie!" and "Jetherine!"

One day, Jerry thought sadly, you'll all be yelling "Glerry!" and "Jerroy!" too.

As the day went by, Jerry found himself getting attracted to more and more people. He found himself longing for Emily, then Phoebe, then Emma (who was taken), then Elise (who was all Matt's), and finally, worst of all, Ella. This isn't right, he finally realized. This shouldn't be possible.

The first thing Jerry did when he got home was run up to his room and take off his parka. Then, as if all his feelings had been stuck in that parka, he felt it all rush out of him. He no longer felt any hormonal attractions towards anyone, not even the original three people he said he liked. It was like ...it was like all those emotions were contained in his swim parka.

Taking one more look at his parka, Jerry finally came to a proper conclusion. The reason why he felt so much love all day was because he was wearing his swim parka. And that meant only one thing: He was in love with his swim parka.

"You trash," Jerry said to it as he picked it up. He then put it on again, embracing those feelings of love and affection as he whispered, "I love you." Finally, he flopped down on his bed. Unfortunately, this isn't going to go the way you think it is because parkas don't have reproductive systems, so Jerry just fell asleep with his parka.

Five hours later, Jerry woke up and realized he still had an entire calc packet to do, a Hulme essay to write, three tests to study for, and a PvP session with Gloria (aka "Rek Gloria and Make Fun of Her" Time) to finish.

Jerka: Jerry Chen x swim parka