The Book of Obscure One-Shots

Holes

Why is this one-shot titled "Holes?" Is it a parody of the book of the same name by Louis Sachar? Sadly, no. But since I just brought that up, let's make it a parody anyway because I honestly don't have any better ideas.

Pleblord Drolbelp (her real name was Emma Heliger, but we're keeping this as close to the original Holes as possible) was born into a poor and dry and not-moist family who blamed their misfortune on their "no-good-dirty-rotten dry-as-hell-great-great-grandfather." The Drolbelps wished to be moist and free of whatever cursed them, so Pleblord volunteered to save her family and embark on a quest to find something to make them all moist.

She traveled for thousands and thousands of seconds until she came across a tall, white male human being with bushy squirrel-things where his eyebrows should've been. As Pleblord laid eyes upon this handsome sight, she couldn't help but yell without thinking, "This guy makes me moist!"

The tall, white male human being turned around with a perplexed look on his face, his squirrel-things contorted in confusion, unable to see where the voice came from. Then he looked down and saw Pleblord. "Uh..." he stammered. Taking a closer look at the hungry, desperate look on Pleblord's face, he added, "Are you trying to rape me or something?"

Pleblord was too excited about finding a cure to her family's dryness curse to give a proper response to the tall, white male human being. So, she grabbed his arm and told him, "You're coming home with me!"

She was ready to drag him off when the tall, white male human being suddenly shook his arm away, pinned her to the ground, and called the police, accusing Pleblord of sexual assault. Within minutes, the authorities arrived to arrest Pleblord. After that, she was sentenced to spend the rest of her life in a disciplinary facility called Camp Moist Lake.

At first, Pleblord was excited because she was the type of person to judge books by their covers and thought that Camp Moist Lake was literally a camp with a nice lake for people to get moist. But she was utterly wrong, for Camp Moist Lake was nothing like a camp, it had no water in sight, and it certainly did not make anyone moist.

Upon arrival, Pleblord frowned at the miserable "camp." She was then quickly escorted to her tent (called "Tent D," much to her delight). The other kids in Tent D explained to her how each day, everyone had to dig as many holes as they could from sunrise to sunset with no breaks. Pleblord asked why, and an Asian boy named Peter replied, "Rumors say that this camp's warden is a registered sex offender, and he has huge a hole fetish." Pleblord frowned at this explanation, but no one else had a better one.

The next morning, everyone woke up promptly at 5:00 in the morning and left the tent by 5:03 to start digging holes. Unfortunately, Pleblord woke up at 5:04, and there was no one to tell her what to do ...that is, with the exception of a square, golden-brown waffle she found near her sleeping bag. One of the campers must have left this, she guessed. She was about to take a bite when her middle fingertip slipped perfectly into one of the holes in the waffle. This brief moment of human-waffle connection convinced Pleblord that the waffle was worthy of far more than simply being eaten. She smiled and dug her finger deeper into the waffle hole until she saw her finger poke through to the other side. "Whoops," she whispered with a strange sense of glee. She then proceeded to tear through every single other hole on the waffle until it was a mutilated, golden-brown mess. "Moist," she remarked quietly. She stared at the waffle with a sudden realization. "This waffle can save my family and make them moist!" she concluded out loud.

By this time, it was 5:34, thirty minutes past when she should have been digging holes outside. So, it should've been no surprise that the warden suddenly burst into Tent D, questioning why Pleblord wasn't out digging.

"THIS WAFFLE MAKES ME MOIST!" she cried maniacally as she burst out the side of tent, tearing a huge hole in it. The warden would have chased after her except for the fact that he indeed had a hole fetish (just as Peter had said) and wanted to stop and examine the hole in the tent and entertain himself with it.

Pleblord ran far, far away, waffle in hand. "THIS WAFFLE MAKES ME MOIST!" she screamed repeatedly until she finally reached home, where she handed the waffle to her family, instantly curing them all of dryness.

Wafflemma: waffle x Emma Heliger