No One Knows

The outside

     Hi my name is Aspyn Manner. I am 15 years old and my life isn't bad and I'm not ungrateful for it. My life is just...interesting. I'm not suicidal or depressed. I have friends that I can tell anything and everything to. I don't even get a look of judgment from any of them. Now, I'm pretty grateful for that. I have an amazing boyfriend that loves me so much it shocks me in a way. This is what people see on the outside. No one really, truly, knows how I feel on the inside. Some days I feel really good about myself like I could conquer the world. Other days not so much. Some days I feel like a piece of shit. It feels like it won't get better but I just have to have this little sense of hope inside of me. I don't know how long I can keep this "hope" anymore...
    I'm the last person people would think as not enjoying life. Being with my friends and being at home, I'm like a whole different person. When I'm around my friends I can be so open and happy that it feels like I'm at peace. The time I spend with them is so precious to me. This is what I would say peace really feels like. It's the best feeling in the world. Well, one of the best. Time and everything doesn't matter. Now, at home, is the complete opposite. My mom is easily angered so literally everything I say is turned around to seem worst than it actually was. Sometimes I really can't take it and her attitude. No. I always can't take it. I never thought it was possible to be that negative. I get used to not saying anything at home that it sort of carries into my school atmosphere. I'm pretty good at hiding my feelings. It's not that I don't want to show my feelings or that I don't know how. I just...don't like hearing what people have to say. No one has anything nice to say. I could be saying something personal and someone would make a joke about it as if it was just a silly issue that was not important or worth their time. Even people I thought were my friends didn't care and said things behind my back. I say one thing and everyone is so quick to snap back at me and be rude. No one listens to me, not even my mom. So I just listen to everyone else's problems 'cuz apparently I don't have a voice. Or opinion. I get tired. I get tired of other people and their problems. I don't want to hear them bitch. I just want someone to sit down with and let me just pour out everything that I have held in throughout all these years.
    This is why my friends are so important. No one understands that. I can't just hold everything all the time. I haven't totally broke down yet. "Yet" is the key word. I hope that when I'm sad no one can tell. I just don't want the bitches of my school to think that I'm weak.. Crying isn't something I want people to see and that's what my breakdowns consist of. There are a lot of people that I wouldn't be afraid to show my true thoughts but there are also some I would. I need to tell what I mean by that. So here are my best friends who mean the world to me and some people who I couldn't care less about.