No One Knows

Nathan

     Nathan...my boyfriend. I have known him since we were really young. I didn't really talk to him back then and I don't know why. I remember this one time and he said "Why are you so mean to me?" And all i can remember is that I said "I'm not!" I said it with such attitude. When I look back at that memory I feel really bad. I didn't know better back then. At that time he was going through some personal problems and...I...didn't...know that. I look back at that time and I regret it. I hate myself so much because of this. I wish I could just hug Nathan and never ever let him go. But sadly he has to live his life as well. I can't always be around like a creep. We will probably move on in the future but that won't happen yet. So I'm not going to get all sad about it now. But I have this problem...
     I have this jealousy problem. I know it sound stupid but I can't help. I stay up at night just thinking about it, Nathan liking and talking to other girls. It truly kills me inside. My heart genuinely hurts. There's this girl, Missy and she irritates me literally 24/7. Her and Nathan talk...a lot. People can say I'm overreacting, but it sure as hell doesn't feel like it. It's real. I care about him, I care about us and all I get in return in a slap in the face from reality. I have had feelings for Nathan for about a year not and we started dating in last August. He's different. I actually have feelings for him. I...think I love him. And I don't mean a silly middle school crush. No. I mean like I think I truly have this strong emotion for him and I can't really explain the feeling. Imagine you're on a roller coaster and it's ticking up and up. That moment right before it goes over the edge is part of the feeling I get when I'm around him. I have never got these feelings for anyone before...ever. I don't know if that a good thing considering I will probably just get hurt worst in the future. I feel as if Nathan makes an effort talk about everyone...but me. He does out of his way to talk to Missy. Not me. I don't want to break up. I know for sure I don't. My feelings for him are true. I'm in love with him. I never thought I would say that and truly mean. But I do mean it. The worst feeling is that I put all this time and effort into us and I don't get anything. I sound crazy, I know but come on give me a break. Please just once. I try to talk to him about my feelings but I just can't. I want to, believe me I do. I don't want him to take it the wrong way. I get that he has an issue with sharing his feelings but I took the risk why can't he. It hurt. It still hurts. Every time I'm with him I try to hide my negative thoughts and feelings and just pretend something isn't wrong. I carry on with my day. I must me pretty damn good at this because he never asks me if something is wrong. I don't want to make Nathan mad which is why I don't really want to tell him this. I'm not mad. I'm not sad. I just feel like he's pushing me away in a way and I don't know if he is purposely doing it but it doesn't feel good. He doesn't mean to do this on purpose. When I feel down about this I think about all the good moments we have had. From movie days and hanging out to him giving me my first kiss. I really wish I could have been his first but you know. I guess I can't get everything. I'm not just upset about Nathan talking to Missy. It isn't just that. Part of it is that I don't want to lose him. I took such a risk of showing him my feelings. He has become so important that I can't lose Nathan. He is apart of me. I need him and I mean that. He brightens my day. I look forward to seeing him. But I look forward to seeing him around me, talking to me and just knowing that he's there. Sometimes I feel like he isn't there but in the back of my head and deep in my heart I know he's there. He's good at making me feel good about myself and other days not so much. I get this feeling that he needs someone better than me and that I'm not good enough. I'm obviously not pretty or girlfriend material. I don't want to sound like a total bitch but I'm sorry. Nathan once said to me "I didn't fall in love with your professional side at school." And you wanna know what I have to say about that! I never, ever fell in love with your conversations with Missy.