No One Knows

Breaking Down

     Last Tuesday I decided to do something that I thought I would never do. I never thought I would let myself get to this point in my life. I'm only 15 years old and...I cut myself. I knew what I was doing. I knew what I was getting myself into. This is how it went. I was in the shower that evening and I was just thinking, and thinking. Now, anyone who who's me, knows that when I honk to much I have an internal and external mental break down. I am usually pretty good at not getting them at school but this one was different. I have never felt this bad. I haven't felt this bad about myself, about my life, about my everything. I was thinking about people who cut themselves. They always said that it felt good and that it released pain from deep within. When I was done in my shower I got out and dried off with my child-like towel that had flowers on it. Then, I looked at my pure and untouched left wrist. I thought about the pain I had trapped deep down inside of me. I thought about how this pain would never go away. You look so ugly. No one will love you. You should just cry yourself to sleep. That was the only thing running through my head at this point. I was tired of the devil sitting on my shoulder telling me these, sadly true statements. I was done. I was just, done with everything. I stabbed a razor and placed it on my wrist. I slowly brushed it across my skin as if I was using a metal detector to see where the buried treasure was. But it wasn't treasure. The razor was try to find the perfect place to let all the feelings just pour out of me. I swiped the razor slow at first. Then I did it again but faster and harder. And then again. Faster and harder. I dropped the razor and just cried and cried as if nothing else mattered. I couldn't believe was I just did. All I could think about was Nathan. Nathan. I knew that he was in a similar position before as I was and this made me cry even more. I care so much about him. No one should ever have to go through anything like that. Like this. I have a good reason for why I did it but people most likely will think it's stupid. I did it for two reasons. One was because of some family problems going on at my house. I don't really feel comfortable talking about things that happen at home because it just makes me feel uncomfortable. The second reason was because of Nathan talking to Missy. People can say it that it was a stupid reason and I'm okay with that. They don't understand me. They don't understand how much it hurt me mentally and physically. That was why I was hesitant in tell Nathan that I cut myself.  I didn't want him to think that it was his fault. It wasn't really his fault. It was my internal mind set because I don't like it when my boyfriend and friend in general talks or hangs out with someone who I don't particularly like and that will never change. I don't regret it. But I don't want to do it again either. After I did it I felt guilty like I had done something wrong. I realized that I would eventually have to explain this to my closest friends. I wanted to tell but at the same time I didn't want to tell them. They deserve to know. If someone is close to me they should know if I do something serious like that. One the other hand I didn't want anyone to be disappointed in me. It's now three days after this. I haven't done it ever since and I don't plane on to. The cuts have for the most part healed completely. None of my friends were mad or disappointed. They understood me. They understood what I was going through and that's why I'm so thankful for the people I told this to.