Dearest~a Ryden

I Was Going To

*trigger warning*

The tears that were welling in my eyes spill over

I can't talk to him about this. I can't just talk about how much of a fuck up I am. I can't do it. I can't talk about my father or my disgusting habits. It's not something I can do. 

I collapse onto the wood chips beneath me. 

"Ryan?" Brendon says in a whisper. "Please let me help you. Please, Ryan, I swear to god we can get through this together. C'mere." 

I wipe my tears off my cheeks, replacing them with new ones. I can't help but think about what we look like right now-two high school boys on an abandoned playground that no one goes to. One has collapsed, crying, and in a heap. And the other one is on the brink of tears, telling the other he wants to help.

I get up when my legs allow me to. Brendon looks up at me and pulls me into a hug and then backs away, holding my shoulders from arms-length away. 

"Hey, it-it's going to be okay. I promise. You're going to be okay. Now, how about we go back to my house? Does that sound good?" I nod and Brendon smiles. God, he has the cutest smile I've seen in a while. 

About halfway along the walk we get more "faggot" comments and I just roll my eyes. Brendon noticed and then grabbed my hand and gave it a squeeze. It's an awful word and fuck you if you use it. 

When we arrive at our destination, I've finally calmed down and not having a panic attack. 

"Hey Bren," his, I'm assuming, mother calls from somewhere in the house.

"Heyyo mom, I want you to meet someone!" he calls back. He looks at me and smiles. I look at him and force a smile. "You'll be fiiiine," he holds out the 'i'. "My mom is the greatest mother-like-ever." I shuffle my feet uncomfortably, I'm suddenly aware of whats happening.

"Br-Brendon. I've got to use the restroom-uh-where is it at?" 

"Oh, it's down the hall a bit and then you take a right and you'll be there." I nod.

I take off and walk as fast as I can into the restroom and look at myself in the mirror. God, my eyes are still bloodshot from crying. I sit on the floor and I hear footsteps go pass me. That must be his mother. I don't even remember what my own mother looked like. Some people say I have her eyes.

"Where's the person? Oh my god! Is it Ryan?!" his mom sounds ecstatic. She doesn't know that OI'm in the restroom on the verge of tears for what? The third time today? 

I stand up and look at myself in the mirror, splash my face with water, and look myself dead in the eyes and say: "You can do this."

I walk out as nonchalantly as I can and try not to look like a complete idiot. 

"Mom," Brendon says. "This is Ryan-y'know the guy from school." He smiles that smile again and I want death. I mean that figuratively and non. 

"Oi-Brendon has said so many nice things about you! Like how pretty your eyes are," she nudges Brendon's arm and he rolls his eyes. Awh. 

"Really? I mean they're just eyes Brendon." I say shrugging. 

"No. They're more than that. Y'know they say that eyes are the windows to the soul. And yours are so pretty and beautiful. They're like a honey and chocolate swirl. God, they're gorgeous." Brendon responds. "Awh, you're blushing!" That makes me blush even more. What is he doing to me?

I feel so vulnerable when I'm with him. Like any moment he could come and sweep me off my feet, and carry me bridal style. Sometimes I wish he would do that, I mean, come on. He's so cute. I didn't just think that. Just forget I ever said that last part. I repeat. I didn't just think that. I didn't just think about how his eyes are perfect, or how kissable his lips look or-

"Ryan!" Brendon yelps. I snap out of my train of thought and then realize that I am literally inches away from his face. 

"Oh my god! I'm so sorry!" I look over at Brendon's mom, who looks really confused and almost disgusted(?). I run out of the house as fast as I can. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Holy shit. I shouldn't be running. I run about a block away and then I get dizzy, and I can't keep myself propped up on my legs and I collapse. 

As everything turns black, for the second time today, I hear: "Ryan! Ryan! Oh my god!"

~~~~

Brendon

~~~~

I run over to his limp body, mom trailing behind me. 

"Is he okay?!" Mom calls.

"I don't know!"

I slap his face, and a soft moan comes out, but he's out. Out like a light. I pick him up like I did earlier today and mom offers to help, but I decline, he is mine. I just want to save him. Save him from himself. 

We arrive back at home and shortly after Ryan is conscious again. Mom asks if he is staying for dinner, but he doesn't answer. I know why. Dinner. He won't want it. But I might make him. So I answer for him.

"Yes, he is." She responds with a simple: "'Kay." And get's it started. Ryan looks at me and frowns. "Wanna go up to my room?" he nods. Damn, he nods a lot. But, then again, he doesn't really talk that much either.  I refuse to let him get up, I really just want an excuse to carry him again. So I pick him up and carry him up the stairs and sit him on the bed. On my twin bed, he still looks tiny. I sit on the bed next to him (there's enough room for probably a third person). 

"Hey, thanks for stopping me from jumping.."his voice lowers and he sounds sad, I don't want him to be sad. 

"But-but you said you weren't going to." he shrugs. And then it hits me that I could've witnessed a suicide today. I could have seen the cutest guy I've ever seen end his life. And we'd have no happily ever after. We wouldn't grow old together. 

I lean over and look him in the eyes (his fucking alluring eyes) and his eyes flick to my lips. 

And he kisses me.