Dearest~a Ryden

Sunday

*trigger warning*

I jolt awake. It's pitch black outside and I can't see anything. I look around, hearing nothing but the slight buzz of the television. Brendon isn't next to me anymore. I start to panic for no reason. Maybe it's the fear of being alone somewhere I'm not totally used to. 

Quietly, I walk up the stairs to Brendon's room and see him in a ball on his bed. I turn to see his clock- it's 3:56. It's almost 4 am. No wonder I'm about to have a panic attack and I feel uneasy. 

I fall on the floor in a heap, tears about to spill over. 

"If I wake Bren he'll get mad, if I don't wake him up, he'll be upset that I didn't wake him." I'm not quick to make my decision and by the time I do, it's 4:16. 

I tap his left arm carefully. "Bren," I tap him again. "Brendon." 

He turns his head and looks at me. He doesn't open his eyes, he just said three words.

"Get in, Ry." And with that he lifts up the covers for me to get under.

I smile at my nickname and slip under the sheets. 

~~~~

Morning

~~~~

Brendon

~~~~

Subconsciously, I snuggle closer to Ryan. I pull him closer to me, and I'm basically spooning him now. 

He turns to face me, and I open my eyes. 

"You're so beautiful Ry," I kiss him. "You're so beautiful, I couldn't ask for anymore." I kiss him again. 

Ryan looks at me. "You're prettier than me, I promise you that," He kisses me. "You're so perfect. You're so smart. You're so caring and loving. You are unlike any person I've ever met. He kisses me again.  

"I think it's about time we get up though. I mean, the sun is shining through the curtains right into my eyes." Ryan chuckles. 

After we get ready, we go down stairs and eat some breakfast. Ryan is shoveling the cereal in his mouth, milk dripping down off of his chin. 

"Where's your mom?" Ryan asks curiously. 

"Oh, she's probably at church because it's Sunday. I mean I used to be Mormon. She still is, but she didn't really care if I was or not." He looks surprised when I say this. 

"That's awesome," he sighs. "I wish my family was like that. I'm atheist, but almost everyone else in my family is Catholic." 

"Hm."

"Oh, by the way, I'm going to have to leave today. My dad comes home tomorrow. He always comes home on Monday. Saturday- he drinks until he's passed out. On Sunday he does unspeakable things to prostitutes. Monday, he comes home and drinks some more. Same for the rest of the week days. It's a cycle I've learned to live with."

"Oh. Do you want me to walk you home?"

"Yeah, that'd be great. Just, we can't hold hands or anything. I don't want my dad to see me, or you. He'd beat us both if he sees us." 

I frown and nod.

"Hey, uh, I don't know if this is too personal or anything, but have you called Child Services?"

He's quick to say no, which worries me. I'm gonna have to talk to mom about that. I look down at my feet and then back at Ryan whose starting to cry.  

"When do you want to leave?" 

"I mean, I want to stay forever, but I'm not in the mood to be beat to death," Ryan laughs. I stay silent. "I'm joking, uh, we can leave now I guess." 

The walk home was awkward and not a single word was spoken. 

~~~~

Ryan

~~~~

I walk through my door feeling...empty. There was no hand-holding or kisses. Only the sorrow of me leaving Brendon. 

I walk up to my room quietly. I don't know what this feeling is. I don't know how to explain it. There's this strange feeling of remorse and...hm. 

Odd. 

I want Brendon to understand... understand why I haven't called Child Services. If my Dad found out I'd called them, I would be done for. I mean, he would find an excuse, and because everyone is a fucking airhead, they would believe him. 

Hopefully things will change, my Dad will stop, and Bren will come back to me and shower me with kisses and affection. Because I'm an attention whore, what a shame. 

I walk over to my drawer and pull out my notebook and pen, and start putting words together. 

"the ink is running towards the page, it's chasing off the days, look back at both feet and that winding knee, i missed your skin when you were east, you clicked your heels and wished for me"

Not the best, but okay for now. I lay back on my bed, letting my hair cover my eyes as my head hits the soft, fluffy pillow. I sigh aloud. 

I close my eyes, thinking about Brendon. It's almost as if I can feel his lips on mine. I open my eyes once more, and let my fingers brush over my lips. I shouldn't be thinking about him, no, I need to forget we ever had something. For now, at least. I can't have him ruining my days, that's my father's job. 

Even now, it's still the afternoon, but I remember dancing with him like it was thirty minutes ago. 

"Brendon," I say. "Brendon, Brendon." I continue on saying his name to myself quietly. Soon, my eyes are flooded with tears and my cheeks are red. "Okay let's change the subject, damnit." I say to myself.

Tomorrow I have school. Shit. At least I didn't have weekend homework. 

Walking to the bathroom, I hear the door open. I cringe at the sudden profanities being casually thrown around. I look in the mirror at myself, seeing Brendon beside me. I think I'm going mad, as mad as a rabbit. 

I run back to my room and shut the door fast and softly. I don't need my dad coming up here and hurting me like he did one time last week.

But even so, he'll do it later this week I know. I go back to my bed and cuddle one of my pillows like its Brendon, even though I know in my heart that he'll never want to talk to me again.