Dearest~a Ryden

Scars and Their Looks

*trigger warning*

He kisses me. 

But before I can deepen the kiss, like I wanted to, he pulls away.

"Fuck-I-I..," 

"Shh," I put my finger to his lips. I move it away and pull him into another kiss. 

~~~~

Ryan

~~~~ 

The way his lips feel on mine. I can't begin to describe how right it feels. I grab the back of Brendon's head. 

He pulls away. And is quiet. 

I grab his hand and give it a squeeze, hopefully reassuring him. This is one of the best things that's happened in a while. But, will Brendon want us to be a thing? An item? I'll have to wait until he asks. Well, I mean, theoretically I could ask, but I'm just too awkward. I'm only good with words if I'm writing.

"That was my first kiss." I state. He looks at me confused. 

"But, how? I mean you're perfect in every way," I laugh and shake my head. He couldn't be more wrong. 

"No, I'm not. Not in any way. You of all people should realize how fucked I am." I look down. He grabs my chin and lifts it up so my eyes meet his. 

"Hey, don't be so hard on yourself. I mean, yeah, not everyone is perfect, but you-you really are. To me at least. Just please don't hurt yourself anymore, okay? I don't want you to do something that gets you killed."

I sigh. But I want to die. I just want to be free. Not in this hell. 

"Um. This is a risky question-can I see them?" Brendon asks.

"See what?" I ask, pulling down my sleeves. I know exactly what he wants. He looks at me with those goddamn eyes. He knows that I know what he wants to see. "Fine. But only because I trust you." 

I roll up my sleeves carefully, making sure that my skin isn't harmed (opening any cuts). You can tell which lines are fresh and which ones are old. You can tell probably how deep they go. 

"Oh shit," he says. He looks at me. "Ryan, I didn't realize how bad this was."

"There's more. But, I'm not going to show them to you-they're on my thighs and stomach."

 He nods and grabs one of my arms delicately, making sure not to touch the cuts. He's not going to live out the cliche and kiss them, no. He studies them. Seeing how deep each one goes. He gently takes one finger and brushes over one of them. I wince a little bit. 

"Ryan," I look up. "This-this isn't good. I mean this is very bad. How hard would it be to stop cutting? On a scale of one to ten. Ten being the hardest."

I think for a moment. I've been doing this for so long. 

"11," I say looking down. I shuffle my feet. He sighs. 

"I hate to bring this up.. but, do you need somewhere to stay tonight. I know you probably aren't safe at your house so?" I look him in the eyes and smile. I nod. "Hey, how about I turn on some music?" I nod once more.

"What ya got?" I ask.

"Some Blink-182, My Chemical Romance, Fall Out Boy, The Beatles, Queen, Frank Sinatra... etc."

"So, you have good taste in music is what you're saying...Let's go for Blink." I say. Me and Spence used to joke about being in a Blink cover band. He would drum and I would sing and play guitar. But we realized how stupid dreams were. It would never happen.

~~~~

Dinner

~~~~

Brendon's mom places a bowel of spaghetti right in front of me and Brendon. Haha, nope. No thanks. Brendon immediately grabs his fork and goes for it. I twirl a single noodle around my fork and put it in my mouth. I force it down. I don't want to be impolite and not finish it, or at least eat some of it. 

I end up eating all of it. Just because I didn't want to make Brendon's mom feel bad. It's not that not wasn't good. It's just that it was food.

Brendon and I return upstairs to get ready for bed. We both know that we won't actually be going to bed anytime soon though. I mean tomorrow is Saturday. 

"Hey-uh-do you need some clothes to sleep in? I know you don't want to sleep in those pants, I mean really." He asks and I chuckle at the last part.

I say I do and he gives me a shirt and matching bottoms. Only Brendon would wear matching bottoms and tops to bed. I usually just sleep with my undies on to be completely honest.

The shirt is faded and so are the pants. 

"Where's the restroom up here?" I ask. I don't feel comfortable changing with someone else in the room. 

"Oh. You'll go down the hall a bit, take a right, go down that hall way a bit- y'know what? I'll just take you there." I laugh as we walk down the hall. I notice the hall is covered with pictures of Brendon wearing his football jersey and pictures of him as a child with his other siblings. 

"I'll wait for you out here so you won't get lost on the way back," he chuckles. 

I walk into the bathroom and shut the door. Everything smells like lavender. I strip and look at myself in mirror hanging from the door. My rib cage sticks out and you can see my spine when I turn to the back. My hip bones stick out and my arms are like sticks. But then why do I feel so fat?

Before I put on the new clothes I lean over the toilet and throw up. I feel better. I don't feel gross anymore. 

I put on the pj's he gave me and walk out of the bathroom like it was nothing. Hopefully, he doesn't realize that I just purged. 

When we get back to his room I sit on his bed, tired. Brendon looks at me.

"Thanks for sleeping over and everything." I begin to blush. 

I want to kiss him again. Feel his soft, pink lips on mine. I want to sit and cuddle for hours, and not have to worry about anything. 

I want to be his.