LOVE LETTER.

- n

The day you died, I remember looking out at the deep, blue ocean, wishing it would just wash me away.

I miss you so much, now that you're not here. The sky feels gloomy, and it feels like my whole world is back to that dull, monochrome colour scheme now that your smile can't paint my sorrowful world into a deep, beautiful sunset.

I used to miss you so much when you weren't by my side— but then, you were always just in the next room over.

Now, I can only feel your absence. And now, it's not temporary.

I wish I could've said goodbye. I wish I could've told you, for one time in my life, that I love you with all my heart.

But it's too late now.

Sanghyuk is doing well. He met a boy, his name is Hongbin. I'm sure you would've loved him, he and Sanghyuk go so well together. It's nice to see Sanghyuk happy again. He's been through a lot, he deserves to smile. I'm glad he's finally found happiness.

Although, I can't exactly say the same for myself.

A few friends of mine have been asking me why I've seemed so gloomy these past few months. They tell me that I've changed; that I'm not the same anymore. Not once, though, have I told them that it was because one day, a man with a beautiful smile came along and swept me away, and on that boy, I spent every breath; and as the man came and went, I forgot about all else, and all that mattered in the times we had together was our happiness.

I was a clueless kid back then, naïve, I was. I remember it feeling like I was ten again, running and laughing and playing around, only wanting to win, not realizing how many bruises and scratches would lay upon my skin afterwards.

And maybe, in another life, when I meet you for a second time, I'll think about how familiar you seem. Maybe I'll think about how every thing I learn about you leads me to believe that I've known you before. Every smile, every whisper, maybe it'll make me realize that we were soulmates.

Maybe I'll realize that I'm falling in love with you for the second time— in another time, a different place— some other existence.

Until that day, though, I can only wish that there were visiting hours in heaven.

We fell in love at the wrong time, in the wrong place, in the wrong universe. We fell in love as two clocks that did not tick in unison.

I've lost you, and it hurts. I lost you so unexpectedly, so suddenly — and I didn't even get to say goodbye. We knew each other for such a short time; but against the odds, we fell in love. And with that love, a wound of great depth was inflicted upon me.

And I know that tomorrow is another day, and I know that there are plenty of fish in the sea, and I know that the sun will keep on shining tomorrow, but I think it's okay to be hurting as much as I am.

And even today, I still search for you in crowds, in empty fields, and soaring clouds — in city lights, and passing cars, and wishing stars. And it's because I see a part of you everywhere; your eyes in the stars, your smile in the sun, your heart in the empty fields, and your soul in the soaring clouds; free.

It's been almost a year now. Ever since that fateful day of your death, I haven't said your name aloud. I've never been able to let the word slip past my lips before breaking into tears.

I'm a bit disappointed that the last time I saw you smile, it was sad.

It's okay, though. In this life, I'll learn to live without you.

Your smile will forever be the smile that I want to wake up to,
and your voice will always be the voice that I want to fall asleep to,

just as your heart will always be the heart I want to hold the key to.

Thank you for being my first love.
Thank you for making me who I am.
Thank you for paining my gloomy skies into beautiful sunsets.
Thank you for existing,
Lee Jaehwan.

And with every touch, you filled the entire world with colors that I had only ever heard of; and with lingering kisses and the soft brushing of fingers, I knew you would always be there with me, lighting up my life with that beautiful smile of yours.

You and I, we collided like two predestined stars— and in that brief moment, I felt what it was like to be immortal.

Our love is forever.

It's been a long ride, hasn't it? Even if it had to end so soon, I'm glad to have been able to experience it with you.

I love you.

Until we meet again,
at the right time,
at the right place,
in the right universe,

Kim Wonshik.