Dear Diary,
Any time I let myself think about something I want
My brain immediately says:
Shut up, Ely, your such a fücking idiot, someone out there has it way worse than you so shut the hell up and be productive
But it's hard, you know?
It's hard to have the motivation to do my math homework
Or my Spanish homework
In which my grades are dropping so fast and I can't find the motivation to try hider when I'm spending the majority of my days studying for them anyways
My grades aren't even that bad!
But I still call myself stupid!
I still call myself an idiot!
Because I'm raised in a smart family, and being average is never good enough
I hate this
I hate everything
I hate that I have to live up to impossible expectations
I'm above average in school
And I tell myself I'm still not good enough
I'm below average weight
And I still call myself fat
I'm more creative than most people
And I still can't think of anything original
Today in school
During science
My friend ((and lab partner)) turned to me
She pointed to something on the cover of the textbook
It was a random water droplet on the drawing
I was confused
"That's like you," she said to me," it's pretty but it's never important"
That hurt so much
She could have meant it as a joke
I don't know but-
I don't think she realizes that I'm told that too often
That I'm unimportant
My biggest fear
Is insignificance
