I'm Still Here

It Gets Worse

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"Do you want me to stay with you when you go?"

    This seems to arouse Dan from his own torturous thoughts for a moment. He looks up at Phil and grips the edge of his bed. "You don't have to do that. I-I'll be fine."

    "But I want to."

    How do I explain this to him? Dan wonders. As much as he wants Phil by his side, he knows it's better if he isn't. Why should Phil have to see him in pain? Why should Phil have to remember him as anything other than the way he is now.

    Phil's face falls and he envelops Dan in a warm embrace. "Why didn't you just tell me, Dan? I would have been there for you. I am here for you." Dan pulls away.

"Phil, I've been lying to you, do you know that? All those times in the past few weeks when I was just 'just out.' I've been at the hospital." Dan feels as if he may cry again. Luckily, no tears surface. He's just exhausted. "And I know you never wanted to ask. I-I thought...it was nothing, I really did."

     He pulls down his waistband to show reveal the scar on his hip. "The took my bone marrow. It was loads of fun, I recommend it."

    "Dan..I'm...You did that alone?"

    Dan just looks up at Phil. "I was originally going to have to have some sort of 'port' put in my chest for the chemo. But I, uh, I didn't want the scar. They said that since I'm young, there's a good chance my veins will hold up. So, I'm getting it through an IV." Dan gulps and stares at the ground. He's just sort of...solemn. He's run out of energy to cry. He's hollow. "There were so many tests, Phil. And the whole time, all I could bring myself to think was that I wanted to go home. I just wanted to go home."

    Phil looks solemnly at Dan. "If you don't want me to, Dan, I won't go."

    Dan nods absently."It's supposed to be better if someone's with me." Is all Dan says before walking through the door of his bedroom, leaving Phil to helplessly follow.

 ___________________________

    The waiting is what kills Dan. They have to get his treatment ready. He has to wait. Phil is by his side, and he's grateful for that. The room is silent, and it's driving Dan insane. He tries to distract himself with his phone, but it's to no avail.

    Phil wants desperately to say something to Dan, anything. But he knows that nothing he says will make Dan feel any better. Phil rests his arm next to Dan's on the armrest. Phil frowns a little when Dan flinches at his touch.

    But then something odd happens, Dan's fingers find Phil's hand. Dan lazily rests his hand on top of Phil's, letting out a small shudder. "Thank you," Dan whispers.

    Before Phil can even fathom a response, they are interrupted by the sound of a nurse's voice. "Daniel Howell?" Dan raises his hand slightly. "We're ready for you." Dan gives a small nod. He's afraid.

___________________________  

    Dan feels like he wants to cry again. Not because he's sad. He feels helpless. And that's exactly what he is. He looks over at the IV in his hand. He looks at the eerie yellow liquid seeping into his veins and thinks about what it will undoubtedly do to him.

Phil is sitting quietly next to Dan. He's too afraid to say anything.

Dan looks around the room. There's a few other patients. They're all sitting solemnly with a family member or two in the large chemotherapy chairs. Then he looks next to him. There's a girl. He can't help but notice that she's the only one who's alone. She notices his gaze and he whips his head in the other direction.

Dan wishes that the hospital didn't feel so...sterile. Everything is pristine and white. And he hates it. Without thinking, Dan rests his hand on top of Phil's. It makes him feel slightly better. Phil looks up and into Dan's eyes with his beautiful bluish ones and gives his friend a reassuring look.

It doesn't fool Dan though. He can see the sadness hidden behind Phil's gaze. "I'm gonna be fine, Phil." Phil nods.

"You're going to be fine," he repeats.

After a few minutes of excruciating silence, Phil's phone rings. He looks at it. "It's Chris." Dan nods, but Phil raises his eyebrows. "No, oh, I was supposed to meet him today! To be in a video."

"You can go, Phil, it's fine."

"B-but. I'll just say something came up a-and--"

"Phil, just go," Dan says, sighing.

"Dan, I'm not going."

"But--"

"It doesn't matter. Chris can wait. Right now, you're most important."

Dan sighs and closes his eyes.

___________________________  

After awaking from his short nap, Dan realizes that Phil is gone. And as this realization hits him, he hears a voice. After turning his head, he realizes that it was the girl he saw before.

"Your boyfriend went to get something to eat," she says.

Dan turns a deep shade of red. "H-he's n-not my... He's my friend."

The girl raises her eyebrows and lets out an embarrassed chuckle. "Oh, I'm sorry."

Dan smiles at her. "It's okay."

She pauses. "First time?"

It takes Dan a second to realize she's talking about the chemo. "Yeah."

"It gets worse."

"How reassuring." Dan says bitterly.

"I'm just being honest," she says. "That's better than the nurses here will do."

"Well, uh, thanks, I guess."

"I'm  Amy," she says.

"Dan."

"I know the patients don't usually talk to each other during treatment. I'm sorry if I made you feel awkward."

Dan smiles. "Not at all."

Amy smiles. "Good. I'm just, kinda going insane from all of the silence. Usually, someone's with me."

"Oh," is the only thing Dan can think to say, his smile diminishing.

"You don't have to feel sorry for me," she says with a sigh.

"I-I wasn't--"

"Yes, you were. And it's okay."

Dan instantly feels bad, but before he can speak, Phil comes back into the room. "Hey, Phil," Dan says with a groggy smile.

"I brought food," Phil says proudly, holding up two bags of crisps.

    Dan chuckles. "Thanks, Phil."

    "How're you feeling?"

    "Better," is all he can say.

___________________________  

When Dan gets home from the hospital, he's exhausted. But he can't rest yet. No, he has something to do. He rushes to the bathroom and searches in the cabinets for something he knows is there somewhere. At last, his hand grips it.

It's the electric razor. He lets out a sad sigh. His hair has defined part of him for so long.

He turns it on and raises it up to his head. But he hesitates. He can't do it. "Phil!" he calls. "Phil, come here, I'm in the bathroom!"

After a few moments, there is a light knock on the door followed by Phil poking his head in. When he sees the razor in Dan's hands, his eyebrows raise.

"Dan..."

Dan smiles at Phil and hold the instrument out to him. "Help me." After what seems like ages, Phil just nods. When Phil has the razor up to the back of Dan's head, he hesitates. "It's okay, Phil," Dan assures him.

And a few minutes later, Dan's hair is just a pile on the bathroom floor.