The Titanic: A New Life

Chapter 21

With Peter and Emily each on one of my sides, I realized I wasn't sleeping that night.
I squirmed out from between them and got up, the only light illuminating my path being the soft glow of the moon.
I stumbled in almost total darkness out of the door of our room and down the hall with a foggy mind and hazy vision, trying to find a way to get away from the pain of my missing child. I examined pieces of art in the corridor I was treading through in my filmy white night gown, each of a scene of the sea I tried so hard to get away from. But it would never go away.
Each new image brought back memories of the year before. My dead family, the sinking ship, the conditions on the lifeboats, the rescue, and, most of all, my children.
I was lucky to still have the two that were still asleep in the bed I had left behind, but each child was a piece of me. And I needed to be whole to be happy.
And one piece was still missing.
I was surprised to see Jillian at the table of the dining room, drinking water, watching me emerge from the hall. I was relieved to see what she was drinking was not alcohol.
"What are you doing up so late?" Jillian whispered softly.
I yawned and rubbed my eyes, which I were sure had dark circles under them from all of the sleep I had lost in the past year. Constant work didn't help my sleeping habits.
"I could ask you the same thing," I replied instead of answering, keeping my voice quiet so we wouldn't wake anyone else in the house. I thought it was pretty obvious I missed my child I had left in a strange place she wouldn't be used to.
I could barely make out the lines of her face in the pale moonlight, hardly casting any light. The window was too small to let in the proper amount of daylight or moonlight. It only added more dark shadows to haunt and torment me.
"Come sit with me," Jillian ordered quietly in the almost barren room. The only things in the room were the counters and the objects I listed earlier.
I staggered over to the seat unsteadily before I plopped myself down soundlessly.
We sat in silence for a short while, allowing me to lose myself in thought. Then Jillian broke it.
"Why are you really awake?" she asked seriously.
I swiveled around to face her so quickly, I almost fell out of my chair. I took a moment to compose myself before I even bothered to answer.
"I'm just really worried about Hazel," I sighed. "I already lost one family. I don't want to lose another one."
"You really see them as your family?" Jillian queried in monotones, disbelieving to the fact that I could accept a group of strangers as my kin.
"Yes, of course," I admitted as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "If you truly care about each other, then that's enough to be a family. That's the true definition to me."
Jillian sighed sadly.
"Then I never had one," she laughed bitterly, obviously not happy with her childhood at all.
"What happened to you?" I asked as Jillian got up to pour me a cup of tea she had started to brew. She fiddled with the porcelain kettle for a moment before a steady stream of the steaming liquid filled the mug she had pulled out.
"My father died when I was very young," she explained coldly. "My mother seemed to blame me for his death, and I looked too much like him, in her opinion. I reminded her too much of him, and that caused her pain. She took every chance she could get to punish me. She'd beat me, lock me in my room, keep food from me... everything. The smallest mistakes led to whippings. I still have scars.
"My last name was Roald at the time. I ran away when I was about your age, leaving behind only my mother as an only child. I never looked back. I changed my last name to Elisa so no one would ever connect me to that horrible woman."
Oh! How similar her life was to mine! Only her childhood was much more cruel. My mother had never hit me, let alone beat me. I had a new respect for Jillian after hearing her story.
"I know how that feels," I admitted sadly.
Jillian turned to me with new eyes, as if seeing me for the first time as her equal. "Only instead of abusing me, she hit where it would hurt more... she hurt my brother."
"I assume he...?" She was considerate enough not to finish her sentence, so I finished it for her. She deserved that much.
"Yes, Michael died on that boat."
We remained silent for a short while.
"Well, I hope, no matter where life takes you," she declared as she stood up, taking my empty cup to wash it. "You're happy."
"I wish the same for you," I disclosed. "I need to get that money to pay for the vaccine for Hazel... but how?"
I turned pleading green eyes on her, looking for some way to get help. If she could suggest me to a job, that would be all I needed.
Then I would be out of her life and she would never have to see me again.
"I'll figure something out for you," Jillian pledged.
I smiled gratefully at her and got up to go back to sleep.
"Thank you, Jillian," I acknowledged, unsure of how to show my gratitude in some other way. "I really do love them."
I quietly crept back into my room and positioned myself between my two remaining children, hoping the other one was alright in the cold grasp of death, slowly trying to take her away from me until I couldn't get her back.