Letters To You

Letters To You (12)

Dear Chris,

I've been thinking a lot since yesterday. I keep thinking about Tom. About what happened. About why this is hurting me so much. I think I know why. And I know why I cried like I did.

James.

I think.... I think Laura is really worried about me. I've tried really hard to not think about James. And as long as I keep my mind away and towards other things, I am mostly able to ignore it. I don't like to think about him. My poor child. Oh James.

I'm sorry. But Christopher, he was mine. He wasn't yours. I remember when I found out I was pregnant. It was so scary. I cried for days. You bought me 3 tests when I missed my period. You stayed with me for hours. I took each one and with every passing second, I lost more and more hope.

When I came out of the bathroom, you took one look at me and pulled me close. I sank into your body, loving the security I felt. But I wondered and wondered, what was I going to do? I was 15, how in the world was I going to raise a kid? I couldn't deal. And so for hours, we sat curled up together while I just bawled my eyes out. You used to tell me in those moments that from then on, you swore to protect me. I was damaged beyond repair and I thought you wouldn't want anything to do with me. But yet, you stuck by your promise.

As my stomach grew bigger, and James grew inside of me, you still held my hand in public. It looked awful to everyone, it seemed to the naked eye that you got me knocked up. But we knew it was hardly the case. Yet, you helped me pick out his names, James after my dad and William after yours. When it came down to whom I wanted in the room with me, I decided that I wanted you.

But I never made it that far. About 5 months into my pregnancy, I started getting really stressed out. I could hardly walk, my belly was obvious, and school was tough. On top of that, there was talk that my cancer might be coming back. I was scared to death. For nights, I stopped sleeping. Even with you by my side, it was hard.

You'd whisper in my ear that you loved me, as you stroked my hair, and held my sobbing body to yours. I'm sure it caused you to curse my name that sometimes that I needed you at 2am on a school night. But you didn't complain to my face.

After I lost the baby, I stopped going to school. We had about 3 weeks of school left and I couldn't find it in me to go to school. I took my exams, barely, and spent the rest of my time locked up in my room with the curtains drawn. It was hard being so depressed, knowing I was depressed, and being unable to get out of the depression. It was like walking into a room where you could see everything but you couldn't participate in anything, and the walls around you swallowed you whole. I think those days that I felt the worst, I thought of James William. The best thing I could've ever been gifted... that I lost.

For awhile, I was convinced that I shouldn't be able to live when James didn't have a chance to start. I loved him from the moment I found out he was inside of me.

I know what those parents felt, Tom's parents felt because I lost my own child too. I think you too, know a little of how I am feeling because when I did lose him, you cried with me. Not nearly as hard for not nearly as long, but in your own silent way you loved him too. He was part of me, with a beating heart and a functioning body. It broke a little piece of me. When we buried him, under a beautiful blooming tree in the groves, I remember feeling awful.

I keep seeing death, being around it, and yet it doesn't strike me. It hits all the people around me, snaking it's ugly self around families and choking the life out of them. It breaks my heart everytime. I can't be around death anymore.

I miss James William. Even though, he wasn't yours by blood, he was still yours. You resented me despite it not being my fault of the whole thing to begin with. We made it through that. We could've conquered the world.

Truly Forevermore