Letters To You

Letters To You (14)

Dear Christopher,

Laura came over today. She took the letter I wrote yesterday, and sealed the envelope, out a stamp on it, and stuck it in my mailbox. My. Mailbox! My modest little white box on a wooden post near the road! She officially sent your letter.

And I am so ridiculously worried. My heart feels so heavy. Laura's doing her best but she has a kid to worry about; I'm a grown adult. I shouldn't need help and babying.

But yet, here I am. Whining like a school girl would to her diary. This is basically a diary. Laura still thinks it's stupid. But it's the only thing that keeps me going.

I've broken up with Austin. I don't think it's going to work between us. He's starting to drive me crazy. We just don't get along as well as we used to. And since technically we signed up for the marathon as individuals (smart thinking Truly), I don't have to worry about anything. He was probably cheating on me anyways. I don't need a man. I need stability. And the only people I can trust is myself and laura... And Matt if nessecary.

Chris, it's so hard to look up and see the brightness in everything around me, with things looking so bleak. My heart is broken. My mom is gone. You are gone. James is gone. Tyler is gone.

With all this leaving, it makes me think of when we were together.

I remember thinking, I could do better. I could have anything I wanted. About a year into dating, we were what? Juniors? Yeah, I thought I owned the world. And maybe in some cases I did. I wanted to do some self exploration. So we broke up. And I tried really hard. I kissed several guys, I went out on more than several dates, and yet, not even three weeks later, I had this heart ache that refused to go away. You were running through my mind- what were you doing? What was on your mind? Were you as happy as I claimed to be? I wondered about the fireworks I always felt when I kissed you, your soft lips creating a flame so much stronger and brighter and a million times more beautiful than the Fourth of July shows we went to go see every year. When the other guys kissed me, I felt nothing and instead pretended that I was kissing you. Upon this realization, I let go of any pride I had.

I begged for you to take me back.

In those couple weeks that we weren't together, you were waiting for me. Watching me. Holding still, with arms wide open, knowing I was going to turn and run and then come back.

You and I always worked well in the fact, we always knew what the other needed. My strength was your weakness and vice versa. But not only that, you knew I was going to hurt myself, going to get myself into trouble, and not ever mean to hurt myself or others. You knew me well enough that when I got scared and opened my eyes to the amazing person you were, you held your arms out to me. I spent several minutes that day, thanking god for blessing me with you. For giving me the most perfect man alive.

Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if you never let me back into your arms. What if you had rejected me? What would have happened to me?

What if, when we broke up for real during college, we had gotten back together? Or what if we had tried once more? Or what if, we did the right thing? How do we know that the decision we made all those years ago, was the correct one?

Do you think about me, when you kiss her? Do you wonder what I'm doing and where I'm going in life and who I am any more? Do you think about that night we broke up, does it ever haunt you in your dreams? Could you look me in the eye and tell me, she's all you think about? When you guys do the dirty, do you ever wonder what it would have been like to do it with me?

Your loving wife doesn't come with the same baggage or history that I do. But she also doesn't come with the chemistry. We were a rocking couple. And we had to go be stupid teens. I wish I could take that night back. I wish I could rewind. I wish I hadn't let everything get to me, that we had a Notebook moment and we would come running back to each other and say, you are a pain in my arse, but I love you until the end of time. Could you have meant, that you were going to love me until the end of time, or was that a lie?

I hate to wonder these things... It makes me sick. I haven't been able to really eat. In fact, I force myself in public and buy food. Meaning I have to eat it. I may not be poor, but I am not going to let food go to waste. And so, I'll eat publicly. Alone.

I wish I had a single best friend and I wish I could have you back. Your beautiful brown eyes, your smooth laugh, your inability to feel fear. You're just so amazing and I hope the missus knows exactly just what kind of jem you are.

I knew it from the start. I just didn't try hard enough.

And maybe that's the case with Austin. Or maybe it's because he's not you. He doesn't kiss me like you did, he doesn't always get my humor like you did. He thinks my feminism is a joke and laughs when I stand up for myself. He doesn't protect me like you did when we go to clubs. And if anything, I wouldn't be surprised if everyone there is just looking for a fight anyways.

I shall write more later.....