Behind Closed Doors

Drive to Death

As I was being lifted into the ambulance, my entire view of the world was still spinning. The room got hotter and hotter, and my chest was hurting even more than I expected to. One of the paramedics felt my forehead then injected something into my arm.


Whatever he put my system, slowed down the spinning and lessened the pain a bit, but I was still dying, my chest still hurt like crazy.


The drive felt as though it lasted forever. I was still surprised I was alive. My body felt tired and sore. I just wanted to sleep. I then felt I sharp pain in my lower abdomen. I winced in pain and cried out as one of the paramedics tried to attend to my pain.


"Tell my mom and Emily I love them." I somehow said through all of the pain. One of the paramedics pulled out a notebook and wrote it down. I noticed he nodded and helped the other man attend to my pain.


Next thing I knew I wasn't sweating anymore and it wasn't hot. It was freezing cold and I was shaking. They wrapped me in blankets, put more medicine in me.


I felt the ambulance come to a halt. The two paramedics jumped out of the ambulance then carried me into the ER. At least that's where I think they take patients who are on the verge of death. One of the paramedics quickly explained what happened to a doctor and two nurses, wheeling me into a larger space to help me.


A nurse pulled something over my head that gave me oxygen. It didn't make my chest hurt that much anymore as 1/6 of my pain completely subsided. The doctor was yelling out things I didn't understand as the nurse would repeat his words.


And then I heard crying and yelling. It sounded like my mother, but I didn't know.




***


Bright lights. But this time I wasn't in a hospital. I think this was heaven. but I wasn't sure. My vision focused and I realized I was in a beautiful, green garden with colorful plants surrounding the place. I was alone, so I just wondered around.


I then found a white bench. There was a boy who looked my age(from a profile and a distance) with his head in his hands, crying.


"Um..excuse me? Are you okay?" He shook his head then looked at me.


It was Aiden.


He was wearing a white button down, white jeans, white socks, and white shoes. I looke down at myself and noticed I was wearing a white and loose gown. We were angels in heaven. Without wings.


I smiled and admired every single and lively feature in his face, except for the tear stains. "Why did you do it?" He asked.


I was confused, "Do what?" I asked. He walked towards me, grabbed my hand, then led me to the bench to sit down. "We're in heaven." I nodded, "I know."


"Why did you kill yourself? You took pills and drank yourself to death." I sighed, "I didn't want to live anymore without you. I was sad without you and I missed you. Seeing your family like that broke my heart."


"But your mother will be alone raising a five year old. And she won't have that older sister to look out for her. How is she gonna tell her five year old friends her 14 year old sister just dropped dead?"


I sighed, "But this is heaven. There isn't supposed to be any more pain." He nodded then grabbed my hands, "But you shouldn't die because I did. I love you, Char. And I always will. I even watched the winter showcase in spirit. You were great, by the way." I blushed, "Thanks, I guess." He stood up, grabbed my hand, then gave me a tour around all the places he'd been too.


He led me to this forested area with a large, purple and blue looking lake. He motioned me to lie down as we both lay there, on the soft ground of heaven.


He put his arm behind my neck and smiled as I smiled as brightly as he did. "Are you angry at me?" He shook his head. "At first. But you're here now and safe with me and that's all that matters."


***


We went to my funeral. I was in the same funeral home as Aiden was just months ago. There were white flowers placed next to my casket.I looked at myself then at Aiden. We both looked a bit...translucent. We sat in a row behind Emily, my mother, Angie, and Dan which was the front row.


Emily was crying into my mother's chest. I didn't think I'd hurt them so much by making this desicion. Emily stood up then walked towards my casket which was already closed. "Char-Char? Why'd you have to leave me?" I looked at her face then noticed there were tears silently falling down her face.


She put her tiny hand on my casket and fell to the ground. "Who's gonna be around for me anymore?" She smiled sadly, "So when I'm your age, I can use makeup, right?" I felt tears go down my face, "Yeah, Emily. That was the deal."


Aiden put his hand on my shoulder, "She can't see you nor hear you." I silently nodded, "I know."


I turned around to my mother and walked towards her as Emily did the same. Emily sat on my mother's lap, silently crying. My mom was silently crying too, wiping her tears and snot with tissues provided by the funeral home.


As people began to leave with tears in their eyes or tears forming in their eyes, Emily held my mother's hand tightly. I stopped Emily in her tracks by standing in her way then hugged her. She began to shiver and my mother gave her a jacket. "Char, don't." Aiden said, trying to stop me. I shook my head then looked at Emily and kissed her on the cheek. She shivered again, looked at me right in the eye, then walked away.


I watched myself get buried into the ground. Did all of the angels watch their funerals? Did Aiden? Did he watch me fall to the ground, cry, and reach for him? Did he watch me cry myself to sleep on his bed? Did he hear me talk to his grave every month on the 14th? Did he see any of that?


As people walked down the hill, I noticed Aiden had gone back up there, probably to the bench to watch from afar.


***


Emily tried to sleep on my bed that night, but it was hard because I wanted to talk to her. I gave her plenty of signs. Including pushing my books off of my bookshelf, playing my favorite music on my phone which was still on my desk, and moving my favorite shoes around the room.


"Char-Char?" She asked after I used a crayon to write my name on a piece of paper. I looked down at my clothes then noticed I looked more real than translucent. She jumped off the bed, wiped her tears, then ran towards me with he arms open wide. I tried to hug her back, but chills ran down my spine as she ran through me.