Second Chances

Chapter 10-Beacon of Hope

Chapter 10-Beacon of Hope

Never in all the years of my existence have I told another living soul what I’ve told you today; the story of my life.

I was always cautious of what happened to Diane to happen to someone else, and so I never tried to be close to anyone else again.  It’s a vow I promised myself a long time ago.  Never would I inflict that kind of pain and torment on someone now that I knew the repercussions the action held. I couldn’t watch another person I deeply cared about go insane and think of me as a monster. The memory of what happened to Diane still plagues my dreams to this day.

Two years ago I went to the mental institution that had become her home.  The doctor who cared for her admitted my request reluctantly.  I entered her room and found her looking out at the window.  The sun cast shadows on her pasty shriveled skin – making her hollow and translucent in the light.  The blue veins on her arms were visible beneath her skin and the dark shadows that rimmed her eyes were prominent.  Her once fiery red hair had faded behind old age, graying and silver.

I felt a pang in my chest seeing her ailing physique.  She was nothing but a ghost of the girl I once knew, a shattered replica of the girl I thought I loved.  Guilt washed over me, rising steadily and painfully within my chest.  I almost spun on my heel and exited as quickly as I came.   At the last second she called out to me, her voice cracked and broken as if she had not used it in some time. 

“Alexander?”

I turned and saw her eyes assessing over my body.  Her eyes widened and she stood up, slowly walking towards me.  Her steps faltered and I took a quick step forward to right her.  She cringed at my touch and I stepped back.  I didn’t want to take a chance and frighten her.  The words she said the night I told her I was an angel were still freshly etched in my head as if the event happened yesterday.  There was no doubt in my mind that she still felt the way she did that night.  That I was this vile creature who wanted to harm her.

“Are you here to hurt me?”  She asked in a small raspy voice.   I looked up and saw her sitting cross legged on her bed. “Please don’t hurt me.”

I shook my head.  “No.  I just wanted to see how you were.  Hurting you was never my intention, Diane.”

“I want to believe that, but why is it that when I look at you I see a monster?  You’re everywhere in my dreams, in my head, here…you’re not real!  You’re not here…you’re not real…”

She began to murmur, “Go away…please go away…you’re not real…not real,” as she hugged her body, rocking back and forth in a fetal position.  Her movements were a ghost of what had happened that fateful night so many years ago.  I wanted to hold her in my arms and tell her that I wasn’t this monster she claimed I was.  But Michael’s words found their way in my head – reminding me that this was Lucifer’s curse.

I couldn’t do anything to change her mind no matter what I told her otherwise.  She’d believe that I was this monster that would hurt her…I could never prove to her that I wasn’t.  It’s a punishment I have had to endure all these years.  I would never be able to make it right.

Seeing that my presence was doing more damage than good I left her room silently.  No matter what I did I always seemed to hurt people that I cared.  Nothing I did from the day I fell from grace came to any good.  What was the point in this existence if I couldn’t help people?  Sure, I got a chance at going to school and working – making a living for myself, but it wasn’t enough.  Nothing would ever amount to being enough.

Or so I thought.

That all changed when I met you.

From the moment we met I knew that you were different.  There was something in the way you looked at me with your inquisitive crystal blue eyes – seeming to know more than you let on about the world around you.  You were also kind, helping anyone that crossed your path without hesitation.

It was at the homeless shelter where we meet.  I never knew that you had been coming there for months while I worked in the back, handing out clothes to those who needed a new set or when I worked in the kitchen, preparing the meal of the day.  It wasn’t until we bumped into each other that late November evening.

You remember, don’t you? 

How could anyone forget a guy who spilled the creamy ranch chicken salad all over them?  I was mortified and was surprised at how gracefully you handled the situation.  I was sure that you would have yelled at me for being a klutz or turned on your heal furiously.  But you did neither of those things.  Instead you offered to help me clean up the mess.

The next day at school I saw you and apologized, promising to make it up to you.  But you politely turned me down, telling me that it wasn’t necessary.  There were different thoughts in my head about who you were- are, and it was like my previous preconceived notions about not getting close to anyone dissipated.  I wanted to know you.

It wasn’t easy.  But as time passed I let my guard down and began to be your friend, trusting your inner hearts desires and turmoil in me.  There were many times where I wished I could have told you who I was, but I refrained from that action because of what happened to Diane.

But it’s different with you.  I feel it deep within my soul that you are different than Diane.

For one, you haven’t run away since I’ve begun telling my tale.  Second, I feel like you already knew this about me.  I can’t explain it…but now you know everything.  You know of my family and how my life was before the war.  You know of my death and what happened afterwards.  And you know how I came to be here with you. 

I didn’t want you to leave tomorrow not knowing who I truly was, you deserved better than the lies I had to tell you over the past two years.  I’m sorry for the lies I did tell you, but all I can hope for is your understanding of why I did the things I did.

Those days when I was cold and harsh to you – they had nothing to do with you but with me.  There’s a part of me that believes I should live my life away from any sort of human contact, even friendship.  But then there is the stronger part of me that knows I should not punish myself for what I did in the past.  Those were the darkest days of my life as everything was covered in a black veil, tempting and obscured.  It was an internal battle that I’ve fought all these years, something that I've come accostomed to.  There were years where I believed I was losing myself in the darkest pits of hell with no hope in my reach.

Then you came into my life.

You were there to bring me back to the light, telling me that everything was going to be alright – pulling me back from that dark place.  You never needed a reason as to why I acted the way I did.  You were just there like my own beacon of hope to help me through those dark days.

I was once the one to help people get through the hard times in theirlife, steering them away from the darkness. But then I was the one who fell into that same darkness only to be saved by you...

Everything happens for a reason; the good, the bad, and everything in between work together in the end.  I believe that the reason you’re still here, listening intently to all the words I’ve said is because deep down you believe me.  You have a strong belief in God and have faith in things that you’ve never seen, but know deep in your heart that they exist – that they are real and tangible.  Maybe that’s why I can tell you about my life and see no judgment or fear in your eyes.

The only thing I can see is understanding and compassion. 

I was given a second chance to live the day I died in that field.  I never knew why; all I know is that it was for some unexplained reason.  In my last moments of living I saw that brilliant white light not knowing that that was the pivotal point in my life where everything would change. Now, I’ve been alive for almost half a century with many more years to come.

Do you believe me?