The Belle of Nauvoo - Book One

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Twelve

In spite of my extraordinary spiritual experience, as Lorin grew in strength and was able to begin his labors once again, he did not come to call. I watched for him, but he did not come. Each night as I sat at my windowsill and looked out upon the frozen waters and noticed the ice warming and breaking up, I wondered why. Only patches and streams of water were once again caught in the swift movement of the current. Such was my life. I took it up again and went out and about, done with my mourning. Yet a part of me was still frozen, caught around the edges, waiting for the full thaw.

Was Lorin done with me? Had I hurt him irreparably? Had he heard the whisperings that were about? Had he heard idle talk that I had behaved with impropriety? Would he believe it? Was this the cause of his turning from me? Oh, that I could only know his heart and mind! On many a night, I pounded my fist against the sill in desperation.

My comfort at these times was that the Lord had heard the desires of my heart clearly and completely and had offered His undeniable assurance to me. I could but trust and wait in patience. But what of the principle of free agency? Lorin was free to choose.

With the thaw came a visit from my friends, Emily and Eliza, saying, “We have only just heard of Lorin’s sickness,” and in a much lower voice, “and its possible cause.”

“Have the speculations been whispered about that far?” I inquired.

Eliza said, “No. We heard it from Lucy.”

“That is a mercy. I feared I would become a topic for the newsmongers.” I lowered my head.

“Oh, Lovina! We never envisioned that our predicament would cause you such distress!” cried Emily.

What words of consolation could I offer? My assistance had caused us much distress. Yet had I the decision to make again, I might still make the sacrifice, for they were my friends and had been in need. “Twas the right thing to do at the time,” I finally said, raising my head.

“It was. But how can we undo the damage?” asked Eliza.

“What damage?” I asked.

“That done to your reputation. And Lorin’s illness,” she said.

I touched her arm and assured her, “Eliza, those who know me well know that I would never countenance marriage to a gentile. I have too great a testimony of the gospel for that. And those who know me not that well will soon see by my actions that such is the case.”

“But Mr. Jackson goes about saying that you wish to wed him despite your father,” she alleged.

My eyes grew large as a full moon, and I sat up straight as a poker. “That I wish to wed him! How dare he make such a claim?”

“He told Sarah Rigdon. But we know it is untrue.”

“Lorin must have heard his lies. Oh, how can he think that of me?” In my distress, I covered my face.

“Lorin?” questioned Emily.

“He has ceased to call. Truly, I have not seen him since he signed my dance card and repaired to the bar room on the night he took sick.”

Eliza stood up in great agitation and began to pace the room. “He must be told the truth at once. Oh, when I think how we have wronged him, I am filled with disgust at our selfishness! You much allow us to make amends.”

I protested, “What can you say to him? You must not betray my feelings. I would not like him to gain the impression that I had sent you to him on purpose to gain his affections! Perhaps he holds me in disgust. I would look too foolish!”