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12. The hookup culture and the whateverist

The other day I watched a TED Talk by parenting coach Lisa Bunnage, who has been talking with troubled teenagers for decades. During a session, she asked a 16-year old girl about her weekend, and the girl replied: "It was the usual. I partied, drank a bit and met a new guy. He's okay. I didn't like him that much and I wouldn't let him kiss me."

Bunnage said she was proud of her.

The girl added: "So I just gave him a blow job instead."

Bunnage hid her surprise and shortly after was in session with a 14-year old boy. He told her he was at a party and shared his drink with a girl. Then he complained: "Afterwards, she wouldn't give me a blow job." It happened in the early 2000s, right at the start of the hookup culture. From then on, things only got worse. Bunnage has clients who tell her they've been to rainbow parties, where girls in drinking games apply different colors of lipstick and drag their mouths over boys' penises to leave a rainbow behind. That's one of the tamest games played, according to Bunnage.

Then my 19-year-old reader Lily M. here on Wattpad tells me she knows girls who give blowjobs in exchange for having their homework done: "But it's been happening for quite some time now. I've known people that started either requesting or offering it as payment since 9th grade."

What the heck?

Apparently, in our pornified culture blowjobs are not that different from handshakes. When did teens become so indifferent to their bodies? Now let's think for a moment. Our bodies weren't found in a dumpster for us to stick anything into them or mingle with whatever piece of flesh we happen to share a drink with.

Sex is not banal. Our bodies are not banal. We are not banal.

However, blowjobs being staple in porn and suggested everywhere you look, from beer ads to burger ads and even covers of traditional magazines, what else could you expect? Images are powerful, and the repeated exposure to them influences behavior. People have been indoctrinated to believe blowjobs are not only banal but a social norm, and girls have been indoctrinated to regard their bodies as a commodity—so no, the images you see in ads, films, music videos and whatnot are not harmless.

In her TED Talk about casual sex, Dr. Zhana Vrangalova lists a series of positive aspects to it, among which connecting with new people and gaining sexual experience. What Vrangalova suggests is perfect: do it only if you want it, as it may not be for everyone, and definitely avoid casual sex when you're drunk, as it blurs your defenses, impairs your ability to feel pleasure and also to remember your experience the next day. I totally agree about the alcohol consumption, as excesses in that department are a recurrent theme in the hookup scene. I also agree with her that in an ideal world casual sex works well. After all, causal or not, sex is healthy. But in our non-ideal world, where girls are under social pressure to say yes—and then risk being labeled sluts for saying it--that may not be the case.

There's more. According to Vrangalova, studies show an "orgasm gap" between men and women in casual sex. In a sample of 20 thousand undergrads, 80% of men had an orgasm in their most recent hookup against 40% of women. So women should learn to be more selfish and speak out their wants and likes, and men should learn to be more giving in order to close that gap. Sociologist Paula England from Stanford, in her studies, offers additional data: in interviews with college students, she found out that when it came to only one of the parties receiving oral sex during a hookup, men were the receivers 30% more often. "It does seem that a lot of the hookup is organized around giving men pleasure more than women" she concludes. As far as orgasms go, England also confirms the gap.

Does that come as a surprise? Besides women usually requiring more time to orgasm, do you remember that thing about porn being a major reference to sex in our culture? Porn teaches exactly the opposite: men take, women give. In relationships, as opposed to hookups, the orgasm gap decreases, but it is still there.