This Hard Life

Chapter 20: The Funeral

Chapter 20

The weekend flew by. All of the preparations for my mother’s service on that fallowing Wednesday were coming along swimmingly. I decided that I was going to take the additional three days of the next week off so I could make sure that everything was done. For some reason, I just couldn’t trust the job to other people. My mom’s service had to be absolutely perfect. Since I couldn’t see her the night before she passed, I hoped that by planning her funeral by myself, I would feel as though I was redeemed through her eyes.

Several people offered to help with the funeral: Lorna, Scott, Scott’s mother, the parents of Grace’s friends, even my school teachers too. I told them all that I could handle it all. I knew I could. I just knew.

Grace still seemed as if she was okay with the passing of our mom. Perhaps it was because she didn’t understand, but I didn’t think so since Grace is an intelligent kindergartener. It could have possibly been a different way of grieving. I was told that everyone’s different. Or Grace could just remain at peace knowing that our mother was not suffering anymore. I hoped that it was the latter.

I awoke on Wednesday morning to my alarm going off at 8:30 a.m. I quickly got up and took a nice shower before getting my black dress on that I was going to wear for the day. I dried my hair and styled it nicely prior to going back into mine and Gracie’s bedroom to wake her up for the day. She got dressed just as fast.

At about ten o’clock, someone knocked at my door. I opened it to find Scott and his mother. His mother gave me a comforting hug. After I was released, and his mother went into the apartment to talk to Grace, I fell into Scott’s embrace.

“Hi,” he said.

“Hey,” I replied as we were still hugging.

“I know that you’re going to say that you’re alright, but I want to ask if you’re okay so far.”

“Right now I’m okay. But, I don’t know how I’ll be later.” I then felt Scott’s head move as if he were nodding. He then released me a little and I kissed him. This kiss wasn’t passionate like our others that we have shared before, but it was full of love of comfort.

“I’m here for you today. Please remember that Charlotte,” he said.

“I know.”

By time it was eleven in the morning, the four of us left for the funeral home. There I met Lorna who, according to Grace, was her designated babysitter for the day. I also met Claire and her boyfriend Brian within the early moments of the showing.

“Charlotte, dear?” called a voice behind me. I turned to see Scott’s mother.

“Yes?”

“Since the showing is about to end, I was wondering if you’ve been up to see your mother?”

“No I haven’t, not yet.”

“Would you like to get Grace and go up? I can join you if you don’t want to be alone.”

I smiled at her thought. In truth, I was afraid to go up to see her. If I saw her in the casket, it would be like finally saying goodbye. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to do that just yet. But then I realized that Scott’s mother was right, the showing was almost over and the funeral was about to begin at four p.m. If I wanted to see her, I should go before they close the casket. “I think that I’ll just go up with Grace,” I finally replied.

“Okay,” she said and we parted ways. I then went to get my sister.

I found her playing with Lorna’s hair. When I told her that we were going to see Mommy, she looked a little confused, but came with my nonetheless.

As we approached the casket my heart started beating faster. When we were finally in front of the casket we kneeled. My heart had finally dropped.

“Charlotte? What do we do now?”

I didn’t answer my little sister right away. But when I did, I said, “We’re talking to Mommy. We’re going to talk to her like we used to.”

“But you said she died. How can she hear us?”

“That’s the thing Gracie, Mommy’s watching us. Plus, Mommy’s always going to be with us.”

“How?”

“She’s going to be in our hearts forever ever.”

“So do we just talk to her like normal?”

“Yes Gracie.”

“Okay. Hi Mommy….” She continued her conversation from then on.

As Grace was saying goodbye to our mother I was just staring at my mother’s face that had been heavily made up. I was trying to figure out what to say. For once I was at a loss for words.

Suddenly, Grace said, “Charlotte, it’s your turn.”

I thought for a moment more. Then it hit me. “Oh, Mom I’m so sorry. On the last night before you died I didn’t come to the hospital. I should’ve known that something was going to happen. I guess the person or thing that controls the universe is laughing at me right now for my stupidity right now. I just want you to know that I am so, so sorry. Please forgive me.

“Somehow Grace and I are going to manage without you. I don’t know how, since everything is a complete and utter mess right now. But there will be a way. If nothing else, I will try my hardest to make a temporary situation. I turn eighteen soon, so whatever happens will just fall in to pieces.

“Oh, Mommy. I miss you so much, I always will. I love you,” I finished and Grace and I then got up from our kneeling positions and went to take our seats in the chairs that were located in the sea of people. I sat next to Scott and grasped his hand. Grace was at my side and she clutched my hand.

As the funeral service began, I instantly burst into tears.