Misleading Intentions - Jalex Highschool AU

How Dare You, All of You

The picture frame held my worst nightmare, two of my worst nightmares actually, I'm pretty sure Mum just wanted to do some form of comparison about how we had changed from my brothers death to now partnering with Jacks families business. 

My brother a fucking touchy subject, and something i feel like i should share, my brother wasn't in good shape when i was younger and unfortunately chose to end his own life, it affected me really badly, more than anyone in the family had thought. 

I started spiralling out of control, one things after another first of all it was the panic attacks and then it was the sleeping disorders, the sleepwalking, crying, screaming, the dreams, nightmares, anything to do with him would trigger a waterfall of tears and i would end up back at home and told i would be fine and everyone was grieving, i just had to be strong, i couldn't be, the next phase was the worst, i wasn't eating cause i was crying and i wasn't talking cause i was so upset, after that i hadn't eaten in so long, i felt like i didn't need food to survive, i needed my brother, so each morsel of food i pushed past my chapped pink lips after that ended up being purged up, i couldn't handle food anymore, and i wasn't losing any weight, after that, i started to blame myself for his death, knowing when things were bad and not telling anyone racked at my inner being everyday, sooner or later my outer being would have to face the consequences, my skin went from perfect and porcelain to scars and burns and scratches "it was the cat", "one of my mates burned me with a ciggy last night", all the excuses i had were all out, when i found Ollie, he knew what was going on and pulled me aside and told me everything was okay, kissed me and hugged me, got me back on the road to recovery, not for long anyway, i was in pure bliss being with him, but little did i know not only was he cheating, he was cheating on me with Sarah, i called her Satans Bitch, because she was, she contributed to the bullying i later had forced upon me after Ollie blurted that i i self harmed and he even went as far to say i tried killing my brother, which i was done with, i slipped back into my old habits, crying and not eating, purging when i was forced to shove food in my mouth, just to keep my parents happy for a while. 

Eventually they found out something was wrong and thats how I'm here, writing this, telling you this in the current therapy session. There is so much more detail to it than that, but its plain and boring and the sob story of how every kid goes through a break up. I don't want to bore you with the shitty things. Anyway, to put it down to basics, Ollie hurt me and fucked me up, i fucked him up, he spent 3 months in hospital for what i did to him, i haven't seen him, since i saw him battered bloody body lying on the floor and i wasn't about it go through that again.

Thats when i moved away, well the whole family did, it was simply cause Dad had to relocate his business cause his sales were down cause everyone thought that his kid killed his own brother. Fucking stupid i know. Since my therapy sessions have kicked into overdrive i have gotten better at anger management, I'm not harming myself as much and i am not really eating a lot, but i have not been totally cutting out eating, i usually only have 2 meals a day, recess, crackers and water and after school snack, being whatever i see when i walk in sometimes if I'm really lucky, Mum had left me something before she left for work. Like brownies or something. Usually. 

Anyway, back to Jack and our texts. He replied to my latest text with: 

"Rian gave it to me, i hope thats okay, sorry if you didn't want me to have it, i was just worried because you were grabbing your stomach and looked in pain" 

Yeah i was good at fooling people at least. and i wasn't offended that Rian gave Jack my number as i had said, i voluntarily gave people my number at the party, so now wasn't any different, but somehow it did, it was Jack and Jack was different, he was Jack. I typed out a reply: 

"Nah, its all good, it don't mind, yeah, i was feeling a bit sick, but I'm okay now, thanks for the concern" 

Hopefully that didn't come off as too rude, why was i even worried about this, i had no problem texting Rian or one of my other friends, but fuck it was Jack, i caught myself out saying that a lot recently, i knew how i felt about Jack and i knew that he was never going to find out how i felt until i knew how he felt first and by what he had done in the hallway at the end of lunch, i was convinced that friends was all we were ever going to be, i guess that would be okay, but i wouldn't be able to handle him bringing girls into Rian and my little friendship group, i just couldn't.