Stockholm Syndrome

Chapter 13: The Bluff

I rushed home, nervously awaiting the moment that 5:30 hit so I could drive to the beach and meet Tom there. So many thoughts rushed to my head, of course all at once. What if what I thought he was going to tell me and what he actually told me are two different things? What if he just wants to discuss a new song or something related to musical figures? How the fuck was I going to say what I was feeling? How can I put my thoughts into logical babbles or sentences? What if his feelings were not the same towards me?

Painfully slow were the hours on the small golden clock that hung above my kitchen table as I sat there and watched it. It was like watching the damn grass grow. And as soon as the big hand hit the 6 on the fifth hour, I rushed out the door, my mind swirling with thoughts from every spectrum that my brain could have possibly held.

Tom hadn't specifically told me where to meet him, but I had a general idea. When we were younger we had spent a lot of time out on this beach, and he had found the bluff beforehand, but he probably thought I hadn't remembered. Fuck if I forgot; I helped him find it after we had cut through the woods together because we were running from some kids we had taunted down at the pier. Nobody ever suspected us to cut through the woods like that, and we never saw the kids again. I suddenly had trouble figuring out why that memory seemed so fond to me. Maybe I loved him back then.

I found his car parked near the entrance of the beach. He was leaning against it with his arms crossed, wearing an Atticus t-shirt and baggy pants held up by a belt. Brown hair swooshed neatly on his head, resting right above his eyes. He spotted my car and started fumbling with his hands, making sure his hair was right, etc. I laughed silently to myself; he didn't need to do this, I had known him for 12 years now.

I pulled up next to him and heaved a deep breath out. I can do this, I thought. What were these butterflies in my stomach all of the sudden? It was just Tom, for crying out loud. If he was going to tell me anything out of the blue, it was going to be that he just masturbated or something.

But, no. I felt that this was going to be on more of a mature level rather than that of a high school freshman. I had to stop overthinking. Luckily my thoughts drew a blank when Tom knocked on my window and raised his eyebrow at me when I looked at him. My heart leapt and I reached for the metal door handle, my hands shaky.

"Thought you died in there or something," Tom said jokingly, laughing at himself. I shot him a look telling him that he was stupid, and he said, "fine. I know I'm funny. Follow me, I've got something to show you."

He led us through the woods, which had then since been somewhat cleared. I remembered being enclosed by more trees than that last time I walked through there 12 years ago. He stopped at the top of the hill and I ran into his back by mistake. I mumbled 'sorry', and stepped beside him.

Remarkable. The blue blanket that I had remembered stretched on for miles, completely farther than the eye could see. The small breeze was accompanied by the smells of the ocean: salt, water, freshness, freedom. The sun was just about to begin to set in the sky, which is why Tom had invited me up here. The white sand beneath our feet was warm, but not too hot, and the trees provided the perfect amount of shade that nearly enveloped the entire cliff. I took a deep breath in, remembering the countless days Tom and I had spent up here in the past, and smiled to myself.

"You think I don't remember this place, don't you?" I nudged him with my shoulder.
"Psht, why do you think I took you up here?" He smiled back, the damn lip ring taking my sight off of his brown eyes. "Let's walk."

Reaching the edge of the bluff, we sat down in the grass and hung our feet off of it, because that's how it was. It was a heterogeneous mixture of sand and grass that overlooked the ocean.

"Raleigh, I know I haven't been acting normal for the past few months, and let me just say, I'm sorry if I ever hurt you in any way possible," Tom said as he kicked his feet back and forth.

"It's okay, Tom, really. I understand that getting over her is har-"

"Was hard." Tom corrected me. He finally accepted it. I didn't know whether or not to have him pinch me because I wasn't sure if I was dreaming or what the hell was going on.

I was silent for a minute, listening to the waves crash onto the Southern California shore. It was the most peaceful thing I had experienced in a long time.

Tom broke the silence, "I've been meaning to tell you something though. Fuck, how can I say this?" He scratched his head and then continued, "I have feelings for you, Raleigh."

My heart stopped. I was right. I had known it all along. Now looking back at it the signs were pretty obvious. I felt a sudden rush go to my head and I became somewhat dizzy and nauseous. I was looking down at his sleeve of tattoos when he told me this.

"I-I.." stammered, tripping over what I wanted to say, which was a simple 'I like you too,' but instead came out in short fragments.

"Yeah, that's what I thought you were going to say," he said, dropping his head and crossing his feet in front of him.

"No Tom, no. I kind of sort of maybe like you too. A lot." I said. I heaved a sigh of relief when Tom looked at me and flashed a brilliant white crooked smile.

"Well," he laughed nervously at himself, "why haven't you told me?"

"No, no, no. Why haven't you told me?" I shot back without thinking.

"Was us having sex twice not convincing enough for you?" Tom asked, giggling afterwards.

I shifted around nervously, "not when you said you needed more time."

"Oh, I see where you're going with this. Okay. Let's forget all of that. We can look at this as a good place to just wipe the slate clean."

"Sounds good," I replied, suppressing the redness that was rushing to my face.

Tom moved closer to me until our bodies were against the other's. I felt the warmth of his arm against my right shoulder and glanced down at his colorful sleeve of tattoos. My feet swayed in front of me as wind swept over the beach, picking up some sand then letting it settle. The bluff casted a late day shadow over the land and water.

"What I'm trying to get at here is I think we should try something that's not 'friends.'"

My breath caught in my throat for a moment, but I had to agree with him since I now knew that he sort of felt the same way that I did. But, what if it didn't work out? What if I was just going to be Jen's replacement? I didn't think Tom would stoop that low, but then again he had been out of it for a while now. What was the point of taking me up here then?

"Hello, did you die from shock?" Tom said as he waved his hand in front of my face.

"Sorry. Yes I'd be more than happy to be your 'something that's not friends' friend," I looked up at him and saw his face become overwhelmed with emotion.

I couldn't help but to feel relieved. The tension that we had-or I had- been experiencing was like nothing I've felt before. I hadn't noticed until now, until the frail string had finally snapped and lashed out. Thank God he was out of his funk.

"Isn't there a rule out there that has to do with dating your co-worker or something?" I joked.

"That can't apply. We're not in an office building."
"What does that have to do with anything?" I began to trace the patterns on his arm without thinking, the warmth seeping through my fingers.

"Don't question my methods and ideas," he replied, taking his eyes off of my fingers and looking out over the ocean.

"All the time."

Tom huffed a laugh and then grabbed my right hand, lacing his fingers through mine. His thumb was running over the top of it, and I leaned my head on his shoulder.

Time passed, slowly but surely as we sat on the bluff. We didn't really talk that much, as I was still in shock over the whole thing, but I wasn't sure why. He suggested we head out to dinner, only his idea of a 'dinner' was a few burritos from Sombrero.