Stockholm Syndrome

Chapter 18: Conflict

The next few weeks were an honest to God blur. Between Jennifer re-entering my life, my crumbling band, being strung out on painkillers and trying to keep Raleigh from finding out about my ex-wife, I was very much stressed the fuck out. I felt like I had no time to myself anymore. Like everything was spiraling out of control and all I could do was watch it all go by. Raleigh was so hung up on her job that we barely saw each other during the tour. Jen had flown out to a couple of the shows at my asking. My emotions were all fucked up so I tried to manage two girls at once. It wasn't the smartest idea and it definitely was not working out so well.

After one of our very last shows in Europe, Travis, Mark and I had done an after-show interview for VH1 that lasted a few minutes. Once the camera crews had left, Travis had a phone interview to do with a drummer's magazine, leaving Mark and I backstage in his dressing room.

"Dude, when are you going to tell Raleigh about Jen coming back?" Mark began, fixing his hair in the mirror that lay against the wall.

I was standing against the wall on a wall adjacent to the mirror. "I dunno man, I don't think I can bring myself to do it."

"That's a really shitty thing to do. Leaving your chick to think that everything's fine while you're doing God knows what with your old chick. What are you even trying to accomplish? Are you trying to see if you still feel for Jennifer and keep Raleigh in reserve incase things don't work out? I just don't get it. Like move the fuck on." Mark said, walking over to me now.

As fucked up as it seems, he was right. Absolutely right. Somewhere deep inside of me screamed that Jen wasn't ever going to be the right one, but I was so fucked up on pills and alcohol that I didn't know how to listen to it. She had always caused me more harm than good. The fact that I didn't want to end up like my parents and separating from her without having someone scared the hell out of me. I didn't like being alone. My head wasn't very nice to me. Luckily I had Raleigh. I always had Raleigh.

Mark was staring at me awaiting a response. "I can't move on, Mark. That part of me isn't ready to die yet."

"You're a fucking pussy dude," he began, "and it's messing with the band."

I couldn't believe he was going to get in my face right now about this. Every single time we were alone in the same room he had to bring up something about how I was ruining the band. Or how much of a fuck up I was. Something.

"Messing with the band? I fucking started this band, and I'll control what we fucking do with it." I replied, beginning to feel myself sinking into a fit of rage.

Mark smirked quickly, almost as if he enjoyed pissing me off, before returning to his normal gaze, "you can't control two other people, Tom. You can't even control your life."

I raised my hand but he was too quick for me. A hot sting came across my face almost as quickly as it left. Mark just fucking hit me. I sank down to the ground, rubbing my cheek gingerly.

"You need to get your shit together Tom. And fast," Mark said, kicking an empty red Solo cup at me as he walked out of the room.

Hot tears began to sting my face, running down my burning cheek. Here I was, crying again, high as shit and wondering what the fuck just happened.

"Tom?" Raleigh's voice rang out down the hallway. I didn't want to answer her. She'd find me.

Sure enough she did a few moments later.

"Babe?" She said as she saw me sitting on the ground with my head in my hands. I hated when she used that word; it just made everything hurt worse knowing that I was sorta kinda seeing Jennifer again.