BITE ME ➼ C. G. 〖 #wattys2016 〗

Chapter 33

Sitting on the bus on the last day of school this year and working on this chapter... The things I do for you guys 😂

I feel like I've spent too much time with this universe so I decided to make this the last chappie. Otherwise I would've had to word vomit the rest of it.

[ NOTE FROM THE FUTURE ]

There is an epilogue in the next part, make sure not to miss it ;)

QOTD: What's your personality type?
AOTD: I'm an INFJ, which is called "the advocate" or "the counselor" or "the author" 😉

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Word Count:
1061

Created 5-6-16
Edited 1-20-17

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SOTC: Goodbye by Who Is Fancy
• Once we were a fire burning, now you're just a lesson I'm learning. Please believe me, this isn't easy, I just need to say goodbye •

The days went by in flurries of sharp ice and torrents, each one swooping across my mind and pulling me into cold grayness. I could have sworn brain fluid was leaking from my ear. People ignored me, never touched me anymore. Dad was busy. Others fawned over Judith. My thoughts numbed to an aggressive whisper. I sat, curled up and crying on my bed, soaking in the warm assurance of my tears.

Once or twice I found myself with a knife poised over my wrist. Then I ran as fast as I could from myself, but the monster kept latching its claws around me again.

I imagined Kee shaking her head disapprovingly and grabbing the blade out of my clammy fingers. Think about what your mother would say about this bullshit, huh? You're better than this.

I needed to clear my head. My feet stepped towards the bedroom door.

As I made my way downstairs, I noticed that the gloomy mood of the room had lessened, and people were talking and chuckling softly. I caught snippets of people nodding in greeting towards me, then averting their eyes.  A clear radius around me was completely bare of life forms.

Until Enid. I've noticed that most things end in Enid. Her eyes were on me. She got up from her seat and stepped towards me.

I could have pushed past her. But no. I stayed rooted in my spot.

"Are you okay?" She murmured. She had breached my radius of death. Without waiting for an answer: "Maybe you should stop going to her grave."

"No," I scoffed. Then I gripped the door handle and turned.

"Each time you go, you're telling yourself that if you don't, it's disrespectful. By the time you're ready to let go, you won't be able to. You're basically training yourself to feel bad about it."

I shook my head. Don't cry don't you dare cry. "I'm not going to leave her."

She opened her mouth, then closed it, as if wondering whether or not to say something. She finally spoke, "But she's already gone."

I gulped, set my face into a steely glare and turned the doorknob, feeling the ice cube of a day seep into my skin. Her words were truthful. But how would I deal with myself? After going every single day to visit her grave for whoever knows how long, I would fall apart.

I heard the door opening behind me again. "Hey, Carl, I get it." I wheeled around. "It hurts."

"No kidding," I mumbled. I crossed my arms as a kind of protection. "What else do you want to say?"

Enid laid her hand on my shoulder. She stared into my eyes. Shivers of disgust rolled through me. "You're not ready to leave her, you say? Nobody is ready to let go until they do."

I rolled my eyes. "What do you want me to do about it?"

"This time could be the last time."

Ø Ø Ø

I stared at the crisp daisies in my hands, petals white as bleach. Reality seemed to press in on me. The cold. The way the clouds didn't part for the sun anymore. The heaviness of my hat on my head.

My eyes clung to the gravestone. I was frozen in place. I wished I could stay there, I wished I could turn to stone and gaze like this forever.

"Carl." Enid waved a hand in front of my face.

I gave a grim nod. The flowers fell noiselessly down to the dirt. It was so quiet, so distant. It wasn't enough.

The stiff brim of my hat curled around my fingers. I took it off my head and laid it on top, like a burial shroud.

I turned to Enid. Her mouth hung slightly open as she stared. Then she looked at me. "Are... are you sure you sure you want to do that—"

"Yes," I interrupted, and the firm confidence in my voice surprised me.

When I stepped back, my head was lighter. The tornado of thoughts was gone. Everything was still, so peacefully still.

"I think we should go over the wall," she said, smiling. As if she knew the light, airy feeling flooding my lungs.

"Of course," I whispered, a smile curling out of my lips.

Dear Kee,

A piece of me breaks each day in this shit-faced world. Every hour that went by, I grew farther and farther away from the innocent, naïve boy I used to be. But before, I was so much more... whole.

You were the one that taught me how to go back. That I don't have to reflect the dark of my surroundings. Like you, you were a star in the vacuum of space.

And even though you've left this world, you haven't left me. The past may fade, but the people we miss, they're forever. Their memory becomes one with us. And we can choose to be weaker or stronger because of it.

You continue to make me a better person. Every single day. And I don't intend to ever stop.

Thank you, Kee. Thank you for showing me how to live. How to kill but not be cruel. How to frown but not be lost. You taught me how I don't have to be weak if I'm broken.

You fixed me, Kee. And then you fixed yourself. Each day that inches by without you is only fueled by what you left.

Loss doesn't have to be a weakness. For me, it will be armor.

                  Yours,
                            Carl.

• Ø • Ø •