Not Forsaken

Chapter 13

The dwarves had quieted down considerably. Bilbo had gone to bed, Luliana guessed, as she did not see him around. Pipe smoke hung thick in the air, and it was so quiet and peaceful. She was surprised by this change in what she thought was an ever rowdy group of dwarves. She was suddenly comforted by their presence, eager to get to know each and every one of them. Luliana looked around for Thorin, and saw he was still speaking to the old dwarf, Balin. She could see that Thorin carried such a weight on his shoulders, invisible to most, she was sure. But she was able to sense things about people. She could see a large key in his hand, Gandalf had given it to him. He kept looking at it, studying it, turning it over and over again in his hand. Luliana was sure that it was this key that burdened him, the responsibility that it carried. How she wished she could help him, ease his burden some. She wondered again about his queen. And then wondered if he had children. She was determined to ask him about it, when the time was right. Maybe it would give her something else to think of. She could just melt under his gaze, she caught herself thinking. She straightened suddenly, as if poked by an invisible stick. Immediately she rebuked herself. No. You cannot spend this entire quest fawning over this dwarf. Ugh. What was happening to her? Why in the world was she feeling this way? Why now? Clearly he was married, he was, after all the king. It was madness. She would not allow herself to think such about someone's husband.

Suddenly, she heard a low voice, singing. Singing a song she knew so well, but had nearly forgotten. Her mouth went dry, her eyes filled with tears. It was the song that her mother sang to her as a little girl. The one that she would fall asleep listening to. But how could they know?

It was a song of wandering dwarves, she realized. Driven from their homeland. Their families and homes destroyed, utterly forsaken. The tears fell silently down her cheeks. Her mother had been driven from her home by the dragon. Luliana had been driven from her home by orcs. There was such evil in this world, so much pain. Maybe her father was of the race of men, but for the first time, Luliana realized she was with her people. These dwarves knew what it was to lose everything. Just as she knew. She felt a sense of purpose, for the first time in her life. She would help guide these dwarves back to their homeland, back to Erebor. There was no other choice, not for her. She had nothing left. She looked around at these dwarves, and suddenly felt a special kinship with them. Her people, she thought, smiling through her tears.

"Are you crying?" Thorin was standing next to her, for how long, she wasn't sure.

"I'm sorry," she said, feeling self-conscious. "That song. It was one my mother sang to me, I had quite forgotten it."

"Really?" Thorin asked, gently. He looked down at her blue eyes, still full of tears. "I'm sorry if it saddens you."

"No, it's not that." Luliana didn't quite know what to say. Her emotions were so many at that moment. She just looked quietly at the fire. "I miss her. I miss my father as well," she finally said. "They were all I had. I have been alone for so long."

He looked at her again, and back at the dwarves. "Honor, loyalty, a willing heart. It is all one can ask for. I see that in these dwarves here." He paused, and looked at her intently. "I can see it in you, as well."

Luliana looked up at him suddenly. "You do?" She asked. He was so handsome in this lighting, she caught herself thinking. Enough! She hoped he could not see the battle going on in her mind at this very moment. Her poor heart had started beating so hard it was making her dizzy. What was this dwarf doing to her?

"I do," he smiled back gently at her. He reached down, gingerly, and caught one of the beads in her hair. It was such an intimate gesture, almost too intimate, but he had done it without even thinking. Now it was too late. He hoped the dim lighting would hide the blush he felt creeping up his face to his ears. "Are these your mother's?" He asked her, studying the bead in his hand.

"They are. You...you said that you would like to see them one day, I just thought....." She trailed off, not sure what else to say. She couldn't well tell him the real reason she wore them, because she had been thinking of him. Woman! STOP! This is already awkward enough! She screamed silently to herself. "Does your wife wear beads in her hair as well?" She finally blurted out. There! She said to herself. Serves you right!

"My wife?" Questioned Thorin, suddenly dropping the bead and looking away awkwardly. Luliana swore she had seen a slight blush appear above his beard. "I...I'm not married." He said it so suddenly that Luliana knew she had embarrassed him.

"I'm sorry," she pleaded. "It is none of my business, really. I just thought, as the king,...well,...oh never mind." She finally stammered, feeling like a complete fool for asking, and blushing madly.

"There is no need to be sorry, Luliana. I am flattered that you would even ask. Truly." His blue eyes gazed into her own. She had never seen such beautiful eyes. It made her knees weak to even look at him. She grabbed at the wall to steady herself. "Luliana, are you all right?" Thorin looked at her, a puzzled look on his face.

"I just need to sit down," she lied to him. "I'm just tired, is all. It....it's been a long day." She couldn't very well tell him what was running through her mind that very second, that she wished, even for a brief moment that he would have kissed her. The very thought had made her knees give out just slightly. Oh dear, she thought to herself. No queen. "Actually, I think I need some air." She bolted for the front door, and quickly darted outside. She bounded down the steps, over to where Gypsy was munching away at some flowers. Light spilled from the windows of Bilbo's house, and Luliana looked out across the landscape. She looked up at the clear night sky, and took a deep breath in. The night was warm, and she was considering sleeping outside. Anything to stay away from that beautiful dwarf, she thought.

"Ugh! Gypsy! What am I to do?" The little pony nudged her, and kept munching away on someone's tulips.

"Who are you talking to?" Thorin had followed her outside, and heard her talking to someone.

"Oh!" She exclaimed, turning quickly. He had completely caught her off guard, and she hoped that she had not been speaking out loud as she was accustomed to doing. "I was, uh, talking to my pony. This is Gypsy." She gave the pony a look as if forbidding him from speaking. The pony only looked at her and munched some more. Daffodils this time.

"He looks to be a sturdy beast," Thorin smiled at her, his own eyes giving away more than he intended.

Luliana stared blankly at him for a moment, unsure if she had imagined what she had seen in his eyes, if only for a moment. "Uh, yes, he is. Thank you." She spoke curtly, not meaning to, but she was afraid of giving away too much. She wished, if only for a moment, that she could ask her mother what was happening. She knew nothing of what was going on inside her, although if she would have taken a moment to consider, it would have been obvious.

She managed to regain her senses, and spoke more genuinely, "It is lovely out tonight. The air is much warmer than it has been. We should have fair weather for at least the first few days of our journey, I would imagine." Thorin looked at her for a moment, puzzled.

"How can you know that?" He asked. Dwarves were not known for having much knowledge of things of this sort, being used to living under mountains of stone, and he was curious.

"Well, I have spent much of my life in the wilderlands, I can feel it in the air I guess, smell it on the breeze. My father could do the same, although my mother would never give him the satisfaction of admitting he had the ability." She smiled, remembering the way her parents were with each other, she was always sure they loved each other. Even when they teased each other, it was never hurtful. There was always kindness between them, understanding. Luliana missed them, but there was such comfort sharing her memories with another person.

Thorin looked at her, and gave a gentle laugh. The sound of it sent shivers down her spine, but she ignored it. It was only the breeze, she told herself.

Thorin studied the woman in front of him. She was truly beautiful, he thought. Her tiny little nose, her bright blue eyes, her hair that was gently blowing in the breeze. Something stirred suddenly in his heart, he would tell her. He had to. He just didn't know when or how, but he thought it should be sooner than later. This was no longer an obligation, Thorin realized. Something deep in his heart was urging him to do this. He needed to do this. For himself.

"We start at first light," he said suddenly. "I will see you in the morning." With that, he went back in the house.