Foodbent

4

Who is this douchebag? Oh wait.
Your name is Corn Ondecob. Your mom has bought you your own computer. It is the best thing that's ever been given to you. It's also where you met your best friends. There aren't a lot of people around where you live, especially people your age. So a computer is pretty great, even if you aren't quite used to it yet.

Corn: Try and contact your friends.
You try to do that, but it seems your computer is messing up again. Oh wait. It's because you clicked the shut down button instead of the mouse. Oops.

Corn: Wait for the computer to start up.
You wait for the computer to reset. You can't tell if it's going fast or slow since this is the first and only computer you've ever used. You should probably do something else while you wait.
You decide to check on your cow. She hasn't been moving as much as she used to recently. You think something is wrong with her, but Mom says she's fine.
You don't believe your mom one bit. You love her, but she doesn't look at things closely. That's how your last dog Becky kicked the bucket once. You won't let this happen to Betsy the Cow.

Corn: Go to the stables and feed your cow.
You enter Betsy's stable. Poor Betsy. She looks like she is suffering.
You use your pitchfork and give her some hay. Maybe that will cheer her up. She's just sad, right?

Betsy: Turn slowly.
You turn towards the hay, mooing sadly. You decided to e-- OH GOD. THAT'S NOT EATING. THAT'S FALLING TO THE GROUND WITH YOUR TONGUE OUT. DON'T DIE NOW.

Corn: Fucking PANIC.
BETSY. YOU ARE GOING TO LIVE.
You don't know what the hell to do. You run back to your computer to talk to your best friend Dill. He always knows what to do.
Dill is still combing his hair and washing his face from his father. He is the death of Dill.

Corn: Spam.
You're spamming the shit out of him. This is one of the many techniques you learned to do on your computer. It's so wonderful. The one who taught you was none other than Salt, who always manages to get your attention with his S.O.S. messages when his grandfather is making him do Vines.
You pity him.

Dill: Get irritated.
You can't continue to feel at peace while combing your hair from your computers many many notifications. You go to the computer and notice Corn spamming you. You can't even believe he learned how to do that.
He doesn't even know how to go on GOOGLE.
Wait.
Oh yeah. It's Salt. And probably a little of Milk.
They both are the royalties of spamming of their cats and family bothering them. You can understand.
You bet you understand MORE than them since your father HATES YOU and plots everyday to make it horrible.

Dill: Answer.

-- jovialNeophyte [JN] began pestering prodigiousPolitician [PP] --
JN: dill
JN: dill
JN: dill
JN: dill
PP: What is it, Corn?
JN: its my cow betsy
JN: she aint moving
PP: Well, isn't she sleeping then....?
JN: she fell to the ground with her tongue hangin out
JN: wait
JN: do city folk sleep with their tongues out
PP: Uh.... Not.... often....
PP: Maybe your mom will know what to do? I'm not good with animals that aren't cats and dogs.... possibly guinea pigs....
PP: I often question why I'm the first you talk to honestly
JN: why youre dill pickle
JN: you always know how to help a man out
PP: You know what?
PP: That's true
PP: I'm a miracle worker!
PP: Put on your goggles. We are going to make a cow wake up
JN: oh thank you dill1
JN: wait what
JN: 1
JN: dill its not letting me do the exclamation point
PP: Hold shift while you click 1.
JN: !
JN: oh
JN: you truly are a miracle worker
PP: Uh. Sure. Yeah.
PP: Anyway, do you have a phone?
PP: So we can continue to talk while you do what I instructed?
JN: ill grab the house phone
-- jovialNeophyte [JN] ceased pestering prodigiousPolitician [PP] --

Corn: Get phone.
You make your way to the household phone you share with your mom. She never lets you use it after eight, but it isn't that late yet. You have a note sitting next to it, reminding you how to use it. It also has all of your friends' numbers.
You dial in Dill's number and press call.

Dill: Look at your phone.
You realize he called you faster than you expected. You answer.

DILL: Alright. So go over to Betsy
CORN: im over to betsy
CORN: youll make it honey dill is a professional
DILL: Alright.... Are there flies around Betsy?
CORN: there usually are a lot but there are more than usual
DILL: Alright. Betsy's dead
CORN: thats your conclusion?!
DILL: That's what happens to animals when they die. A while after they are dead you see flies
CORN: oh betsy
CORN: how am i gonna tell mama
CORN: dill i think im gonna cry please dont listen
Dill: Take all the time you need Corn

You put on headphones.

Corn: Mourn.
You do as your friend says and spend a long ass time crying over the death of your best friend. You sincerely hope Dill actually isn't listening like he said. Ever since those hitch hikers almost successfully murdered your mother in her truck once, you've had a difficult time trusting people.

Dill: Feel bad.
You feel bad for Corn, but you don't want to be listening to the kid cry. So instead you start playing video games in the safety of your room. You seem to be forgetting about a certain game that you don't have....
You'll remember it eventually. YOU HAVE TO GET TO LEVEL 50.
After ten minutes, you kinda sorta forget about the crying child on the other end of the phone.
Child? What child? You don't know what you're talking about.

Corn: Calm down.
You stop crying and you try to talk to your friend on the other side.

CORN: dill? are you still there? im just glad you waited for me and let me calm myself down because betsy bein gone is so hard

Corn: Continue to cry.

Dill: Continue to game.
God damn, you're awesome at this game. Die, Donald Trump. DIE.

Father: Check online.
You noticed that Dill's friends LOVED his birthday picture. You decide to do some more.

Father: Kick the door open.

Dill: Fucking PANIC.
You jump up from your game, losing the election to Donald-fucking-Trump. Your father will pay for this. He will rue the day he let Mr. Trump defeat you. Somebody had better be dying.
You notice the camera your father has in his hand. Oh no, not today. Not ever.
Suddenly, you remember the phone call with Corn. You make the excuse that you are on the phone and you cannot be bothered.
Your father looks pretty sad. He respects your wishes and decides to leave by rolling out of here.
You sigh in relief and pick up the phone, cautious that your friend is no longer in tears. He seems to have calmed down.

DILL: Corn? You alright now?
CORN: yeah dill i think so
CORN: just lookin for mama so she can help me bring ol betsy to a nice place to be buried
DILL: Sorry about your cow
CORN: thanks dill im just glad you helped me know
CORN: if
CORN: she was okay or not....

You hear Corn start to cry again.
You aren't sure if you can take anymore of his crying. But as his apparent best human friend, it's practically your job to be there for him.
You tell yourself that this is part of being a president. It gives you a reason to continue comforting the farm boy.

Corn: Calm yourself down.
It's embarrassing that your second best friend, well.... now first since BETSY died, is listening to you cry. You have to be a STRONG boy.

Corn: Wipe your tears.

CORN: sorry dill i dont know what came over me
DILL: N-No I get it. Loss is tough
DILL: But you can't keep crying about it. Betsy would want you to be happy
CORN: oh dill youre right thank you for that dill
CORN: oh wait
CORN: i think my house phone is dyi--